creep..

This post is being co-brought to you by the guy with the cut-off flannel shirt at Benton Station on Saturday and Bling H2O, which is a bottle of water that costs $2,600..

right out of of gate, i'm going to talk about girls. a recent conversation with my sister/best friend, Nikki ended with her telling me, "you have the worst luck with girls." do i necessarily think that "nice guys finish last" stuff that you always hear? no. but i do think girls go through phases where the bad guy is attractive because it's a challenge. i try to look at it in more of a "save the best for last" thing. and if good things come to those who wait, i must be getting something amazing because i've waited a long time. the reason i have bad luck with girls probably has a large part to do with me and my mindset. for example, in recent years, girls that i have liked and they liked me (in other words, i've had sex with them) have ended up a) having a crush on my roommate at the time or b) still having feelings for her ex her verbally abused her on a consistent basis. it's hard to trust someone when everyone you've ever opened your heart to has let you down. so, those things, along with my anxiety (i know people probably get sick of hearing about that, but it truly affects my mindset with girls) cause me to not pursue girls for fear of rejection. i'm in the terrible spot of having super high standards but super low self-esteem, so if i like a girl, i think there's no chance she likes me back. so in the rare cases where a girl shows interest in me, i tend to be all in because a) i want to make sure she knows how i feel and b) i never know when that situation is going to come around again. i know it's unattractive to have low self-esteem, and it's something i'm definitely working on. i'm trying to be more outgoing with girls and telling them what i want or the things i like about them. it's always a fine line between telling someone the truth and them thinking you're kissing their ass to only sleep with them. i've never been like that. if you knew how inexperienced i was sexually, you'd laugh at me (it's happened). i mean, you'd think that in 27 years, 10 months and 324 days that i'd at least take a wrong turn into a blow job at some point, right? (sorry Nikki). sometimes i wish i could be more like other guys and sleep with random girls but 99.9% of the time i like that i'm picky. i know i don't have any diseases or kids in Massachusetts or anything, that's comforting.

Here is a list of traits of people with anxiety:

-Extremely analytical
-Emotionally sensitive
-Over reacts
-Sensitive to criticism
-Low self-image
-Need to appear in control at all times
-Obsessive thinking
-Inner nervousness
-High expectations
-Worrier
-Hypochondriac
-Sensitive to negative stimuli
-Often, never feels “good enough”
-Easily hurt
-Prone to guilt
-Tend to be a pleaser
-Avoids conflict
-Overly concerned about others opinions of you
-The mind races too fast
-A great need for approval
-Excessive Fear of failure
-Excessive Fear of health issues
-Work very hard to appear together
-Second guessing yourself
-Worry about being embarrassed

Every one of those traits fits me. Of course, a lot of them are negatives but in a way they can be positives too. i think most people with anxiety make great employees, managers, spouses, parents, lovers, etc. because they're people pleasers and they try hard to make others feel better. but when you're trying to be "good enough" for someone else, and you have high standards already, it's crippling. when you have low self-esteem, you don't believe in yourself. you're insecure and you almost never feel worthy. you don't like the way you look, you're uncomfortable in social situations. quiet time scares you because you obsess about your lack. how can you expect someone else to like you if you barely like yourself?

i think i want the same things in a girl that most guys do, just to the extreme. i love confidence, intelligence, a fun personality. a positive outlook is a must, i hate when people are always negative and look at the worst in situations. so you get a flat tire in the rain, big deal. that's life. make light of the situation and you'll be in a better mood. trustworthy people are so hard to find these days, if you find one, hold the hell onto them. if you have someone who has your back through everything, you can make it through anything, i truly believe that.

i'm a romantic. i'm the kind of guy who will text or call in the middle of the day to tell you i'm thinking of you. or i saw/heard something that reminded me of you. i smile when i get a text from the gal i'm crushing on. i want to make her feel special because she's with me. this scenario plays out in my head, but the coolest girl ever is the kind who texts you to come fuck her on your lunch break but then later in the night, she has to be all professional for something. someone that can play every role well. i'm not asking for a lot, am i??

just a recent example of how my mind works so much differently: a few months ago, i was invited to go to the Cities to the Toby Keith bar, right up my alley because i love country music. it was the first time i'd been there. on my drive down to my friend Ryan's house, i was in a Facebook message conversation with a girl that i had only seen in person a few times but had been crushing on based only on her status updates and pictures (lame, i know). but i think i'm a good people-reader (my past with girls notwithstanding). i could tell she was a good person, funny, cute personality and she's fucking hot. now, nothing should have led me to believe that this girl liked me in any way, but the entire time in this bar, i was checking my phone to see if she sent me anything. i even got called out on it by one of Ryan's friends, who told me that there were hot girls "looking" at me (whatever) and that i needed to be less involved with my phone. he shut up quickly when i showed him a picture of the girl i was chatting with. actually, he shook my hand. other guys, who are probably smarter than me, would have put the phone away and tried to hook up with random boombalotties. but i get one girl in my head, and until i find a reason to make her leave, that's how it stays.

my mom keeps hounding me about finding a girl too, which doesn't help. i'd love to bring a girl to holidays with our family. both of my brothers are married and have kids, Nikki has had a boyfriend for 4+ years and they just bought a dog together, so they're basically married :) sometimes it bugs me at holiday things that i don't have that significant other to buy things for or to share moments like that with. recently, my mom spent some time in the hospital due to complications from emphysema and COPD. she was only there 5 days, but the first couple were scary for me. she went in on a Saturday, so i went to see her in the emergency room and she was hooked up to oxygen and just looked exhausted doing nothing. she walked to the bathroom without oxygen and came back completely unable to breath. it's situations like that when i wish i had someone to call and talk to or share my concerns with without fear of being judged or laughed at. of course i had my brothers and sister and dad, but it's just different, right? that night, i left the hospital, tears started the second i said goodbye to her. when i got to my car, i bawled for 5 minutes because i didn't know for sure if everything was going to be okay. luckily, she's back to normal now, but how much easier are situations like that with someone to fall back on?

the moral of the story? i have no idea...

if you read, or even if you don't, read "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. i'm not super religious, i believe in God and i pray every night, but this book was incredible. i don't want to ruin anything, it's a true story. the author is a pastor and his 3-year-old son suddenly becomes ill. the doctors misdiagnose him for a few days, eventually finding out his appendix has ruptured. by this time, there's very little hope of survival. during the boys surgery, his father finds a secluded room in the hospital and yells at God, "how can you do this to me?!", this and that. eventually the boy makes a recovery, and over the next few months tells stories about what he saw in Heaven for 3 minutes. absolutely incredible stuff, will move you.

my favorite part of "Swamp People" on History Channel is that they have subtitles for everyone, even though they're all speaking English.

i've been in Walmart quite a bit lately, here's something i've noticed: parents having 13 children running all over the store and they're screaming swear words at all of them. i want to bring them to the condom aisle and tell them to stop having fucking kids.

"hey, did you get my last text?" - ugly people

can you guys keep a secret? i'm a good dancer..

why do fat guys wear shirts when they go swimming? we know you're fat.


the favorite text i've received since the last time i've wrote?: "you're intelligent, attractive, funny and sweet... plus i'm a good people reader... i think you have great potential for what i'm looking for :)"

second favorite: "i like everything about you Dan ;)"

third favorite: "my friend seen me smiling at my phone and goes 'you're talking to a boy!' Lol. it's a kool-aid smile ;)"

"it took me an hour and a half but eventually i got him to come." - my sister's boyfriend talking about turkey hunting yesterday. perfect "that's what she said"..

there's no way to put a positive spin on me eating the leftover Halloween candy i just found in my desk at work at 9:17 p.m. on May 16th.

girls who wear cowboy hats immediately become 3 million times sexier. send me all your cowboy hat pictures. wear one of those white stretchy tank top things. and a smirk.

the biting of lips is always a good sign that someone likes something you've done sexually. i HAVE actually seen this.

received this compliment today: "your stream of consciousness is amazing". my stream of unconsciousness is even better (read: i like naps).

whenever i reach in my pants and find extra money that i didn't know about, i remember that girls can reach in their pants and find a vagina. then i get depressed and buy candy.


recently had this text conversation with a friend:

Him: "_______ texted me this morning, said she wanted to give me something. it was sex :)"

Me: "fuck you"


drinking is less fun as i get older. at work, i hear a lot of stories about college kids going out and spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol and i'm so glad i'm out of that phase. i never really was in that phase (still have not puked from drinking, to this day) but i used to enjoy going downtown and getting a little crazy. at this point, i'd much rather spend time sober or drinking casually with people i enjoy being around in a relaxed setting. and watch "Wheel of Fortune" before our shuffleboard tournament.

As of this afternoon, God's Facebook page had 2,120,373 "likes". Kim Kardashian's had 5,235,921 "likes". not impressed.

is Avril Lavigne still alive?

if i'm in a traffic jam, i say things like "there better be a fiery crash up ahead or i'll be pissed."

anyone else get nervous when you're told "this call may be recorded for training purposes?"

last Friday, I got hit on by an elderly lady at the gas station close to work. i stop every morning at the Holiday station on Hwy. 15 to get coffee. on my way out, and her way in, i hear "hey cutie!" i turn to look, and this elderly woman is pointing at me with a big smile on her face. i smiled and said "hi!" and she said "you're cute!".. then she took out her dentures and we made out.

my favorite lyrics of any song, the end of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional:

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.


Men's Health Tips

"15 Reasons She Has Sex With You"

Remember when you first discovered sex? In your 6-year-old mind, your parents had done the dirty twice—once to conceive you, and a second time to crank out your little sister. Then, around the 6th grade, you realized that propagation is only a small part of sex. In fact, it’s just one of 237 reasons humans hook up, according to a recent University of Texas study. Although you don’t need a white coat to explain why you love sex, her motivations for sealing the deal often seem rather . . . mysterious. Fortunately for you, the researchers surveyed hundreds of women to pull back the sheet on sex. Here are the top 15 reasons she sleeps with you, and how to, ahem, encourage her along.

1. You're a Good Kisser.

Your move: So what if you're not a hormonal 16-year-old. You're never too old for a steamy makeout session—in fact, a well-executed kiss could be your golden ticket to the main event. According to a recent study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology, women are far less likely than men to have sex with a bad kisser. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so fast, cowboy—her definition of a stellar smooch may differ from yours. The researchers found that guys preferred wetter kisses with more tongue action than females did. Here's what turns her crank: A partner who makes the first move, smells fresh, and caresses her while kissing. Oh, and pop in a breath mint. Women rated the taste of someone's mouth as more important when deciding to continue kissing than men did.

2. It Seems Like the Natural Next Step in the Relationship.

Your move: You’ve wined her, dined her, and wooed her, but still, no sex. The missing link? Commitment—it's key to sexual motivation in women of all ages, according to a recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Don't panic: It doesn't necessarily require a ring. Research has repeatedly shown that making personal disclosures signals investment in a relationship. In other words, sharing intimate details shows you're emotionally in it for the long haul, encouraging her to move forward physically.

3. You Caress Her.

Your move: Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second, scientists report in the journal Nature Neuroscience. These “C-tactile” nerve fibers (also found on the legs and face) send signals to the limbic system, an area of the brain associated with trust and affection, says study author Hakan Olausson, M.D.

4. You Make Her Feel Sexy.

Your move: Establish your compliments safety zone. "Listen to the things she says about herself. Watch the way she reacts when you touch certain areas," says Chris Fariello, Ph.D, of the Council for Relationships. This clues you in to the body parts she's insecure about—and lets you know where to tread lightly. "You may give a compliment, but she can turn it around and hear a negative," he says. "If she's self-conscious about her butt, and you say, 'You have a great, round butt,' she hears fat, not great." When it comes to her sensitive spots, stick to universal compliments like, "Your butt looks great in those jeans."

5. She's in a Romantic Setting.

Your move: You know the old cliché: Whisk her away to an exotic location, and you're sure to score. That’s probably true, but not for the reasons you may think. It’s less the destination, and more the shared intimacy of "otherness"—or of being outsiders—that sets the mood, according to a 2005 study in the journal Tourism Management. Book a trip for two to a foreign country, and prearrange a tour guided by a local, which creates a greater sense of intimacy and disclosure, the scientists say.

6. Your Physical Appearance Turns Her On.

Your move: Meatheads may rule your gym, but in reality, women prefer muscle definition over muscle mass, according to a recent UCLA study. When 141 women evaluated photos of shirtless men, they ranked lean, athletic-looking bodies as more desirable than both bulky and skinny types. Study author David Frederick, Ph.D., says that women perceive men with big muscles as threatening and also know that it takes time to build all that brawn—time you might not spend with them. "They're looking for signs of not only health and fitness but also a potential commitment," he says.

7. She Wants to Feel Emotionally Close or Connected.

Your move: Start foreplay outside the bedroom—by raving about the free donuts at the office this morning. Sharing upbeat details about your day strengthens a relationship, say researchers at the University of Utah. Talking and listening “helps maintain emotional intimacy,” explains study co-author Angela Hicks, Ph.D. The study also found that venting about stressful incidents didn’t dampen a partner’s mood.

8. She Wants to Please You.

Your move: If you’re striving for the Big O, start with the Big C: communication. "She may not have the sexual confidence to take charge," says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. "You need to let her know what turns you on." In a recent Boston College study, people indicated that talking about sexual behavior—sharing fantasies, turn-ons, and sexual dislikes, for example—resulted in both better sex and greater desire. Candidly chatting about sex helps her feel close to you, while also boosting her confidence in pleasuring you, the scientists say. The key: Initiate the talk outside the bedroom—79 percent of "unsatisfying" sexual conversations occurred between the sheets, the study reports.

9. She's Caught Up in the Heat of the Moment.

Your move: Even if she rolls over, it's not too late to heat things up. Sidle up and spoon her (without poking anything into her back)—cuddling causes her testosterone to surge, a recent Canadian study found. Increased T levels may cause androgen receptors in her clitoris to switch on, leading to arousal, the scientists say. Bonus: Women feel more sexually attractive the morning after cuddling, the study found. Steamy shower sex, anyone?

10. She Realizes She's in Love with You.

Your move: A big business deal going down in Tokyo? Don't hesitate to raise your hand for the job. Turns out, the old adage is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. A recent American Psychological Association study found that during travel-related separation, homebound partners’ positive feelings—closeness, meaningfulness, and mutual appreciation—declined, but then surged to an all-time high upon reunion. Just make sure to call while you’re away: Greater telephone contact during separation was key to minimizing negative feelings once the traveling partner returned.

11. She Thinks It's Fun.

Your move: First, show her how fun you can be outside the bedroom. A recent study in The Journal of Psychology found that women were 25 percent more likely to consider a man attractive if he had a good sense of humor, and were 31 percent more likely to consider him a suitable mate. Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart—this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.

12. She Needs Release or Feels Horny.

Your move: Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal," says Joanne Cantor, Ph.D., a professor emerita of communications at the University of Wisconsin, who studies the ways people are affected by media. After the movie, she may find your glances more erotically charged and your touches more stimulating, she says. If your date isn't into over-the-top terror, à la Saw VI, watch classic thrillers instead, like The Silence of the Lambs.

13. She Wants to Express Her Love or Affection.

Your move: Forget the elliptical, and ask her to hit the weights with you. A new University of Connecticut study found that resistance training increases free testosterone levels in women—a spike that also occurs when she’s head over heels. In a 2003 study, Italian researchers found that women who had recently fallen in love had testosterone levels twice that of non-smitten women, while a Canadian study found that women's testosterone also rises before intercourse. After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does," says Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain. "So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."

14. She Wants to Experience Pleasure.

Your move: Give her a massage to trigger blood flow down below—in her feet, that is. Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.

15. She's Attracted to You.

Your move: If you hope to take her home, you better play nice—tough guys don't wow women, a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found. When researchers presented women with scenarios of men being harassed or insulted by other men, they preferred the guys that detached themselves from trouble. Someone spill your drink at the bar? Clean up, walk away, and slowly smile at her as you pass. Guys who let a smile spread across their face were rated as more attractive and trustworthy than those who flashed a grin, according to a 2007 British study. "Women see this subtle delay as being more genuine," says study author Eva Krumhuber, Ph.D. To reinforce that perception, tilt your head slightly sideways when you smile, a move that tells her you're caring, not conceited.


"10 New Places to Have Sex"

If men weren't great explorers, we never would have found America, the Rockies, or scrambled porn on channel 99. So why should our entire sex life always take place in the same spot? Here's our list of the best places to fool around.

1. On The Washer.

Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. When your butt's on the lid, the motion is transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator.

2. In The Vault.

To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.

3. At Victoria's Secret.

The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your girlfriend is trying on.

4. In a Beanbag Chair.

You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style sex works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you).

5. During Christmas at the In-Law's.

Bring the kids' gifts—wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room.

6. A '57 Chevy.

That's our nostalgic choice. For more practical men, it's the Ford Excursion, which measures a romp-friendly 227 inches long. As one salesman put it, "It'll hold 36 sheets of half-inch plywood between the wheel wells." Which is one way of thinking of it.

7. A Large Swiss Ball.

The ball can actually help improve your depth of penetration, if you're in the right position. Sit on the ball and have her straddle you, facing away from you. Hold her hips for balance, and use the rocking motion of the ball to thrust in and out of her from behind. Do one set of at least 50 repetitions.

8. A National Park.

If the missus likes to vocalize, pitch your tent in Alaska's Denali National Park, where 6 million untamed acres and a crowd-thinning permit system leave little risk of waking the neighbors. She'll gasp in delight when the midnight sun bathes the Big One (that's Mt. McKinley, buddy) in salmon pink light.

9. The Elevator.

Try a freight elevator. It won't have an alarm, and you can stop it between floors for more privacy. Try this when you and your partner are helping a buddy move into a new apartment. Pack the front and sides of the elevator with boxes; leave the middle clear.

10. The Garage.

At a friend's party, offer to fetch some more beer, then slip out the garage door. Nobody will think anything of you being away for 20 minutes, and you can always hide behind the car if you hear someone coming.


"The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman"

1. "Good morning."

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

3. "I can't stop touching you."

4. "Want to join me in the shower?"

5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."

6. "I love how you taste."

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

9. Her name—her full name—followed by a "Wow."

10. "I'll get the light."

11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."

12. "No one's ever done that before."

13. "Can we do that again?"

14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."

15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.

16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18. "I'll go make coffee."

19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."

20. "Let's play hooky today."

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."

22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.

25. "I'm ready to go again."

26. Damn, I've missed you."

27. "How about a massage?"

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."