the rescue blues..

(writer's note: as i'm finishing writing this, the lights at my work are being turned off.. the things i do for you kids.. it's Friday night, you know how many girls have texted me for dates?? none, i was somehow talked into the life-long Verizon plan that forbids females i'm not related to from contacting me..) anyway, here we go..

this post is being co-brought to you by mustaches and jean shorts..

i usually start out more serious and get sillier along the way, so i'll continue that trend. recently i found two Bob Marley quotes or something he wrote, and they just blew me away. i posted them in the "notes" section of my Facebook page but who reads those? i'll post them and then comment on them afterwards.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
— Bob Marley

how cool are those? i could write an entire blog on what i want and what attracts me and how i envision my life to be when i find the right person, but those two paragraphs are perfect. i like that stuff more than the average guy, i've seen too many relationships be "just okay" and people stick with them because it's easy. don't settle because it's "comfortable" and "easier". why be less happy than you can be? who makes you happy? who do you look forward to talking to at the end of the day? who do you trust to be there in any situation? who could you do nothing with and still have a great time? who knows what to say to cheer you up? who do you want to impress, but know you don't have to because they like everything about you? find that person. you're not going to share interests in every relationship. who cares? it would be boring if you both liked all of the same things. you have to do your own thing sometimes so you enjoy the time together that much more. i'm telling you, when i'm with someone i like, even "boys nights" are spent thinking about her. of course, i enjoy the time spent with my friends, but you think "i wonder what she's doing" "is she thinking about me?" "what funny thing is happening that she can't wait to tell me about?" you need that time apart so you don't drive each other crazy. and if the person you like is passionate about something, try to learn as much about it as you can. they'll appreciate you wanting to know more about something you love. for example, my sister and her boyfriend have been together 4 or 5 years. he's big into hunting and fishing, she never was before him. now she hunts and fishes with him constantly, she's caught giant muskies and shot turkeys. why? because she loves spending time with him and she knows how much he cares about it. i've also heard people say things like "he's talking about marriage now, i don't know what i'll say. i mean, there's nothing wrong with him." well, there's what's wrong. the person you spend the rest of your life with should excite you and make you happy. you shouldn't be "on the fence" about it. of course, it takes time to get to know someone and find that out, but if you know the person extremely well and they don't stand out as someone you can't live without, it's not worth saying you'll be there forever. i'm not trying to say everyone has to do it the way i'm explaining it (the romantic way?). that's not right for some people, and i'm not right or wrong. it's just how i am. just look for the person who makes you feel like those Bob Marley quotes. that's what it's all about.

i'm reminded about something my brother told me on the drive up deer hunting a couple years ago: "girls are weird, man. even if you find a cool one, they'll still do things that drive you crazy." you just have to find the one who makes the "crazy" worth it.

i'm not a very "manly" man, but if the fire alarm keeps beeping while i'm trying to sleep at 4 a.m., the force in which i rip that fucking thing off the wall would make a nun wet.

we need to set up a course to teach elderly people how to operate self-checkouts. i can coast through my entire grocery list in about 2 minutes, meanwhile it takes them 4 1/2 minutes to scan their Ensure and denture cream, with 6 "please wait for assistance"s.

on that topic, i can't walk past anything that says "4 for $3" without buying it. sounds like one hell of a deal, even though i'm probably saving about 15 cents on those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. the fact that i have two eaten by the time i get home probably isn't helping the new love handles either.

anyone ever keep Listerine in their mouth for 30 seconds, like they tell you to? not possible.

when in doubt, do the opposite of whatever the guy in black jeans is doing.

i haven't been in Hollister in years. is it still a Jimmy Eat World concert at 5 million decibels? does anyone work there who has not won homecoming king or queen? why didn't the bracelet-thing i bought years ago bring me to a whole new level sexually?

i've never seen a fat female meteorologist.

anyone see the trainwreck that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife with? i will never condone cheating but isn't the point to be with someone better looking? I'm not a huge Maria Shriver fan but this woman (who is named Mildred, if you're scoring at home) looks like a transvestite. Tiger Woods cheated with several women and not one was better looking than his wife. So, not only did they intentionally hurt someone they "loved", they also severely lowered their standards in doing so. why get married? if you're that kind of person who can't resist temptation, why not wait until you don't travel all over the world by yourself and aren't put in those situations? i'll never understand it. maybe because i don't have hundreds of gorgeous women throwing themselves at me, but i'd pick the one who looked the best making pancakes in the morning and tell the rest to take a hike.

96% sure i got frostbite while volunteering for the Salvation Army in December. I had the opportunity through my church to ring the bell for them in front of Cash Wise for two hours. of course it's the coldest, windiest day of the year. knowing me, you'd think i'd forget mittens or something obvious. i didn't. but i did wear tennis shoes while standing on frozen cement for two hours. i'm an idiot. but anyway, i had to go inside Cash Wise twice to take off my shoes and rub feeling back into my feet. they haven't been un-cold since. it was worth it though, with so many people thanking me for standing out there. i'd do it again in a heartbeat, but i'd mix in some boots.

is there a better feeling than fingernails being ran lightly up and down your back?

looked out for a coworkers sex life recently. he and his gal both work where i do. she wanted him to do something he didn't want to (weird) so i said something like, "she'll pay you back tonight." she's like "can't, i'm on my period." i said, "gross. well your mouth isn't." sometimes i say inappropriate things. luckily most everyone i work with understands my personality and that i'm just being silly.

if anyone ever dies from blow job overdose, my money is the guy who shot Osama bin Laden. i might be last.

watched a few episodes of "When Animals Attack" recently. i'm sorry, but if you're putting your head inside an alligators mouth, i have zero sympathy for you when he tries tearing it off. it's a fucking alligator, he eats humans for fun, what are you expecting? and don't get me started on bull riding. nothing makes me happier than when a bull tap dances on some guys ribcage after he falls off. except maybe when he drags the guy around the edge of the ring and his forehead bounces off all the fence posts. should have majored in accounting.

if i eat more than one doughnut, i feel like a bear that just woke up from hibernation.

is there a worse feeling than seeing a spider, going to get a tissue to catch him, then coming back and he's nowhere to be found? the first place i look is my pants, obviously, like the spider grew wings and flew to me in another room. then i'll spend the next half hour tearing things apart, eventually conceding that i'll swallow him in my sleep.

i cried when my brother told me wrestling was fake. now, i was pretty young, it's not like this was two weeks ago. but through stories from my family, i was into two things from day one: sports and wrestling. when i was three, my mom tells me i would ask every night "is wessling on?" not sure it gets much cuter than that. i'm only talking about wrestling because last week, one of my favorite wrestlers growing up passed away. Randy "Macho Man" Savage had a heart attack while driving and crashed into a tree. in the summer, i would bike the 5 miles into Movies and More nearly on a daily basis to rent wrestling movies. it still blows me away how anyone can think for a second that any part of it is real. the good guys (babyfaces) and bad guys (heels, look at me with all this wrestling lingo) came out from behind the same curtain. they're all 250 pounds and punching each other in the face, but they don't bleed and they rarely fall over. they throw each other into the ropes and allow the other guy to flip them over their back, like they didn't see it coming. but it's entertainment, and i grew up loving it. now, i'll read autobiographies from some of my favorite wrestlers, just to learn more about the behind-the-scenes stuff. who actually hated who, what went into certain angles, etc. definitely nerdy but i've been called worse. one event that still haunts me to this day was just a random show, probably "Saturday Nights Main Event", where "Rowdy" Roddy Piper was attacked in the dressing room, and his "assailants" put his leg in a folding chair and stomped on it. i remember screaming and crying during this, i'm sure my family was laughing like crazy but it's still a memory to this day. now i follow "Rowdy" Roddy Piper on Twitter (along with several other wrestlers). it's come full circle :)

watching "Cops" the other night, they were doing a prostitution sting. the cop (dude wanting to pay for sex) picks up a whore (doing whore things). they have the following conversation:

Cop: "do i need a condom?"
Whore: "mmm.. no."

why would you? she's only a hooker.. i'm sure that thing is clean..


a buddy recently said the following sentence, speaking on behalf of all straight males:

"finishing in a girls mouth.. doesn't get much better than that."


keeping with that theme, i'm going to post a few texts from "Texts From Last Night", that might be too risque for Facebook. not that that's stopped me before.

(864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside.

(315): mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

(562): if we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
(201): We better fuck soon then.

(313): her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

(608): im almost positive that in mud thrust she told me she was pro choice

(518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

(914): she was bad bro. like.. id rather put my dick in a blender.

(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, "whats this thingy?"

(516): whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break?"

(918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you.
(580): Really.

(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

(713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
(512): babe, don't say it like that!"
(713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

(772): i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

(203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
(603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow.


the coolest non-sexual thing i've ever been told was, "i feel so safe with you" while cuddling. granted, this girl's previous relationship was abusive (at least verbally), so maybe it was less me and more the fact that i wasn't calling her a whore.

i'd share some of my favorite texts that i've received (sexual and non-sexual) but a person who shared a womb with me also reads this and i don't think she's interested in those. you're welcome, Nik. remember this at Christmas.


another one of my favorite lyrics:

"So Impossible" by Dashboard Confessional"

So she says
"Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things like..
Do you do you like dashing the dirt
on the whole class or
talking the big smack or
playing the fool or
wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads or
if you like coffee in the evening
These are a few things that I'd like to know
that I'd like to know"

So I say...
"I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in
and my friend isn't busy
he'd be happy to join me
and maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off or maybe we will?"

I'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible or only the practical
or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.


Men's Health tips


9 Ways To Be the Perfect Girlfriend

Laugh With Us, And At Us

Men don't measure mates against the Victoria's Secret catalog. In fact, only 12 percent of us say that superficial stuff matters more than a woman's sense of humor, smarts, or sweet demeanor. That trio proves irresistible to more than 75 percent of our readers.

But of the three, sense of humor is most important—it serves as our mental matchmaker. "It's a sign of intellectual compatibility," says Billy Goldberg, M.D., coauthor of Why Do Men Fall Asleep after Sex? "You can't just be a laugh track. Men want a woman who is as comfortable relating her own ridiculous anecdote as she is listening to ours."

Humor actually serves three roles. First, it defuses awkward situations, says David Borgenicht, coauthor of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex. So the dinner your guy just charred is hilarious, not disgusting. Second, it identifies common ground: "Really? You loved Blades of Glory, too?" And most important, it shows your spine—our high-school yearbook photo or encyclopedic grasp of baseball stats probably deserves to be skewered, after all.

So go ahead, take us down a notch. Wield your humor wisely and we'll be hooked for good.

Take Your Affection Outside

Ninety-seven percent of Men's Health readers, which is as close to unanimous as it gets, want a woman who's willing to show her love in public. "Men want a woman who's confident enough in her sexuality to make a move, no matter the circumstances," says Neil Chethik, author of VoiceMale.

That doesn't mean you should suck face at the Four Seasons. Subtle displays—a close kiss during a walk, a graze of his thigh in the car, even a smoldering look shot across a crowded dinner party—can stoke his fires. His hips will tell you how passionately to pounce: Only half of all PDA-friendly guys want a full-on makeout session in public. If he moves closer, that's your green light to heat things up.

Kiss Us When We're Down

Men want a partner, not a caregiver. More than 67 percent of Men's Health guys are begging for an end to sappy, smothering moves like fixing our errant hair or straightening our collars.

What's a caring girlfriend to do? "A man wants to be with someone who will defend and support him," says Chethik. It's easier for him to accept help from you—to admit that he has a weakness—if a specific event or issue is bringing him down." In other words, help us fix our problems, not our character flaws.

So bring us soup when we're sick in bed; lift us up when a work project is stomping us down. Help a man feel secure, like you've got his back, and he'll want to spend time with you. Stifle him and he might start looking to escape.

Compliment Us - Carefully

We love that you love our abs. But we hope that isn't all you love about us. "A man wants to hear that no matter how he looks, there's something deeper you find sexy about him, whether it's how he tells a story or how he touches you," says Chethik.

Our Men's Health guys agree: Only 8 percent say they like to hear about physical qualities, but 66 percent want you to pinpoint an intangible quality, something we uniquely possess. Be sincere and specific: "I love how safe you make me feel" trumps "You're so great" any day. Bonus: You're reinforcing his efforts to care for you.

Impress Our Friends...

You're smart enough to grant your man the occasional guys' night out, right? Good. Boxing out a man's friends is a relationship deal breaker, according to 83 percent of the men we surveyed.

But make the most of that long leash you've granted him. Look at his best available pals as fix-up material for your solo friends. And if he's planning a pub crawl, meet his crew at the bar, buy the first round, then peel off so they can spend time together: "You have a blast with the boys, hon. I'm going to head home and relax." He'll keep you in mind all night long, and later on his buds will gripe less when you're on a date during the NBA playoffs (if it's game two, in an early round).

"It's important for her to relate to his friends," says Dr. Goldberg, "not just tolerate them."

... And Let Us Meet Yours

We're jealous. We admit it. And we hate that side of ourselves as much as you do.

We're not prudes, mind you. We know you flirt, and 79 percent of us don't mind, provided only words—not phone numbers or caresses—are exchanged. "Men want to be with a girl who radiates, someone who makes other people say, 'Wow, she's interesting, engaging, and attractive,'" says Piven. "We want her to be social with other men without being blatantly seductive."

So introduce us to your buddies. We'll feel less threatened by the other men in your life if we're friendly with them, too. You might even invite us to tag along for after-work happy hour once in a while. If we're mingling at a bar or a party, you don't need to hang on our every word, but reassure us every now and then by making eye contact across the room.

Smooth Our Moods

Men aren't immune to mood swings; we're just more likely to bury them. When we're not acting like ourselves, simply say, "You look wrecked. What's up?" If he starts spilling his soul, resist the urge to coerce him into a dialogue—34 percent of guys only want you to listen.

"Men want women to be sensitive but not intrusive, which is a delicate dance," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University. For a guy, simply telling you about his troubles can be enough, without trying to resolve them.

If that doesn't work, divert our attention. Helping us forget about that overbearing boss or obnoxious friend is the preferred coping mechanism for 32 percent of Men's Health guys, according to our survey.

Reinvent Foreplay

Slow-burning sex isn't better only for you. "Longer foreplay helps men synchronize with their partners, giving them confidence and, as a result, better control over ejaculation," says Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist in San Francisco.

Perhaps this will shock you, but foreplay is important to us, too. More than 75 percent of our guys say they want foreplay to last 15 minutes or more, which ought to please the 84 percent of women who agree.

Here's how to warm him up and clue him in. Start the seduction on a sweet note, with your man on top. Guide his hands, stroking his palm the way you'd like to be touched. Your magic phrase? "Like this." That's all—he'll get the point. Slip one hand down the back of his shorts, just below the waistline, and pull his pelvis toward you, showing him the motion that turns you on. Don't forget your line: "Like this."

Next, switch positions—you on top. Slowly kiss him along his neck and collarbone. Linger by his belt line, looking up at him as you kiss his abdomen. Repeat your refrain, and work your way back up to his lips. Switch positions again, and repeat.

Know What Really Turns Him On

New positions are nice. Experimentation with toys or lotions can be fun, or at least interesting. But what turns men on most in bed, according to 39 percent of the guys we surveyed, is your unbridled enthusiasm (followed by confidence, at 35 percent, and creativity, at 17 percent).

"It's a turn-on to know we're pleasing you," says Dr. Goldberg. "If the experience is more interactive, it makes all the difference." Perhaps that's why 87 percent of men say "just lying there" is a serious turnoff, and 57 percent of men say that silence is a sexual downer.

So let him know what he's doing right. Grip the sheets. Beg. Plead. Demand. Make it less like a handshake and more like an earthquake (as long as you're actually feeling it). "All great sexual encounters deliver that sense of validation that you really have something special," says Prosterman.

In fact, your over-the-top passion can help a man feel closer to you emotionally—something more than a third of our guys singled out as the most important part of unforgettable sex.