greatest hits: volume 1 (acoustic)..

i'm in Chicago for a few weeks for work and i fully expect to be too busy or exhausted to come up with shit to talk about, but since i like entertaining the people who enjoy reading this and take the time to do so, i've copied and pasted a few of the very early posts i did.. maybe some of you started reading later on and haven't gotten to the earlier stuff, so i picked some random ones.. i'll come up with new stuff soon, in the meantime, enjoy! :)


Tuesday, August 26, 2008
breakfast at tiffany's..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by people who use "preggers" as slang for pregnant and the dude i saw golfing with cut-off jean shorts, sneakers and an ACDC t-shirt.. long afternoon..

first of all, congratulations to me for getting the rare raise today that's not the obligatory "end of the year/bonus/we're giving this to everyone/blah blah blah" kind and is the "we appreciate your flexibility and hard work/middle of the summer/you're cooler and smarter than everyone else here, especially the lady who sits in the lunchroom with her legs spread open instead of crossing them" variety.. just thought i'd throw that in, selfishly..

i think the worst feeling on earth is the feeling you get right before you get a cold.. for me it's just a scratchy throat but i always envision the next couple days will involve 105 degree fevers and bleeding from the ears..

staying on that topic, how much shit can come out of one persons head? i could blow my nose with a Brillo pad at this point and it wouldn't matter.. Paris Hilton's vagina thinks my nose has been beat up the past few days..

do you think Bert calls Ernie, and after talking for 4 hours says he's not going to hang up until Ernie hangs up and they go back and forth for a bit? of course not, they share a one-bedroom apartment.. unless one of them is away on business, of course.. but then Ernie is probably busy housing Elmo, let's face it..

a guy asked for Virginia Slims at the gas station today.. his gal got Marlboro reds.. that's funny.. match made in heaven..

there should be more whistles in water polo that mean absolutely nothing, it would make it more enjoyable to watch..

school is almost starting, can't wait to get my "Full House" Trapper Keeper and rock that in Earth Science..

you know that guy who goes to the bowling alley with his wrist guard, chalk, personalized ball and cut-off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. t-shirt and proceeds to bowl a 137? he's my favorite..

went to Mongo's today for the first time in history.. if tastebuds can have orgasms, mine had multiple.. it's so good, this exchange occurred between my roommate and i on the way out.. Me: "these covers are doing absolutely nothing right now".. Him: "if you fucking drop mine i will beat the piss out of you".. fair enough.. that same roommate told me i'm too nice and need to be a dick sometimes.. i guess that was my first lesson..

if you comment on how good a woman looks pregnant, make sure she's pregnant.. or at least a woman.. your safest bet is to act oblivious until the baby is born, then act surprised.. and don't be fooled by that "water breaking" nonsense.. that can happen to anyone..

here are some acceptable and unacceptable responses to a woman asking "do you know what today is?":

ACCEPTABLE:

"anniversary of (insert important day here.. omit the time you ran over her cat twice 'on accident')"..

"birthday" (this could be hers, your children's, her parents, Oprah's, etc.)..

"Kwanzaa"

"Boxing Day in Canada"

"Rosh Hashanah"

"Columbus Day" (side note: a couple weeks ago, a gas station cashier alerted me to the fact that Christopher Columbus raped Indians when he got here.. you know what, he found America without a map and i can't find my niece's fucking birthday party without Mapquest.. so i'll let that slide)..

"First Day of Summer" (doesn't matter if it's snowing, say it with conviction)..


UNACCEPTABLE:

"the day you start dieting?"


i'm debuting a new feature now called "Song Lyrics of the Week", since i usually post every week or so.. i'll pick some of my favorite lyrics and post them here, that way if you download music or whatever and you think you may like a song, you'll know what song it is.. i'm on a Dashboard Confessional kick right now, so here are a few of their songs..

"Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:"I'll love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, And sit alone and wonder, how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
when did your eyes Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder...
How you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone...Making out

Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.


"Only Gift That I Need" by Dashboard Confessional

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if we're apart for the big days
It's the small ones made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me

Only gift that I need.
Only gift that I need.


"Remember To Breathe" by Dashboard Confessional

She fixes her lips,
They always look perfect.
Never a smudge line,
Never too much.

I try on my blue shirt,
She told me she liked it... once.
She wonders what I'll wear.
She knows just what she'll wear.
She always wears blue.

So sneakers or flip-flops?
I'm starting to panic, wait wait

Remember she asked you,
Remember to breathe.
And everything will be okay.
Okay
Okay
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
(whisper)Okay.


"Shirts And Gloves" by Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road
and you're out on it
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over, it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
and so am I...so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothings happened
until I've shared them with you.
And the note that you had called
says you're half a day away
and you are heading home
just in time for me, for me to leave.

So make sure that I'm up to date on TV night,
I hate to miss out.
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays
and Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 5:44 PM 0 comments


Tuesday, July 1, 2008
guitars and cadillacs..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who chew tobacco, dudes who use metal detectors at the beach to look for "hidden treasures", and losers who spend all afternoon at Best Buy playing the video games..

around Christmas every year, i have to watch both "Home Alone" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".. Christmas without these movies is like not having snow.. phenomenal movies..

guys, if you want out of a relationship, just hesitate when she asks, "do i look fat in this?".. first of all, you don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who tries to trap you with that question.. if you girls think you look fat in it, don't wear it and work a little harder at the gym next time.. we're fine with what you're wearing and what you were wearing both times before you changed.. just get dressed and don't make us late, that's all we ask.. and skip the underwear..

went to Cash Wise today and needed some sunscreen.. lucky for me, the only sunscreen i found was on the top shelf above the tampons and because God loves playing jokes on me, i bumped the shelf and knocked about 7 boxes of Tampax "something-glides" on the floor while an elderly couple stopped to gawk at me.. lovely.. i should have told them "Wheel of Fortune" was on or that they were late for their shuffleboard tournament..

how come you can't buy burgers and buns with the same quantity? today i bought a box of 9 burgers and obviously buns come in either 8 or 12-packs.. i wasn't fooled, it's just a ploy to make you buy more buns.. i blame the metric system.. and Martha Stewart..

one of my favorite guys is the guy at the gym who you've never spoken to but you need a spotter one day so you ask him.. he immediately turns into your personal trainer and starts yelling things at you like, "one more!" and "lock your elbows!".. it's awesome.. meanwhile, you just want him to keep the barbell from dropping on your Adam's apple and collapsing your esophagus.. one end of the bar is always lower than the other because one of your arms is spasming and giving out but this guy is having none of you giving up.. finally you finish your set and you go back to staring at the hot chicks, while he walks away with his hand wraps, chalk and leather weight belt to go drink his 3-gallon protein shake.. love that guy..

here's my gym story from tonight, not to sound all "jock" and "muscular" or whatever, just kinda funny.. i follow this workout program and today calls for chest and triceps and is only 4 lifts plus cardio if i want.. i was going to skip the cardio because my legs felt heavy today for some reason.. anyway, i get to the gym and my "gym wife" is there (basically just a racked-out blonde chick who i see a few times a week and want to make out with constantly.. i imagine she "moves her body like a cyclone and she makes me wanna do it all night long", copyright Baby Bash).. so she's at the gym tonight and i finish the lifts i was going to do, planning on leaving at this point.. but she's still there and in my area.. immediately i add 2 more lifts then follow her over to the ab workout area and bust out some ab exercises.. at this point, i'm there 20 minutes longer than i intended on, just because this girl hasn't left yet.. then she goes over to the elliptical machine and i figure she'll wind down for a few minutes and leave, so i go over to the treadmill and start running so i can watch her walk out.. anyway, 15 minutes, 1.6 miles and one dripping wet t-shirt later she finally walks out, making eye contact with me, rendering the whole experience worth it.. except that i neglected to put on my spandex shorts because i didn't expect to do cardio, so my balls weren't as festive and enthusiastic about it as i was.. oh well.. you're probably thinking "why don't you talk to her while you're there?".. well for two reasons: one, we both wear iPods while we work out, so that would be rude.. and two, i'm afraid i'll tear my vaginal wall.. my brother suggests this: "you can give her the eye contact and say hi without saying it.. she'll get the vibe.. then she'll come over and cook you waffles".. can't argue with that, right? i love waffles.. the lesson, as always: guys will do anything to attract girls, even risk "death by cardio"..

Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 7:50 PM 0 comments


Tuesday, May 27, 2008
things that should be obvious but obviously aren't...

* attn: bodybuilders: your balls are not proportionate to your body, thus rendering that speedo you're wearing absolutely ridiculous.. please don't kill me..

* attn: fat girls wearing belly shirts: just because your skinny best friend can fit that tank top doesn't mean you can too.. mix in a sweatshirt and/or treadmill.. if you're overweight, that's fine.. just act like it..

* attn: Twins CF Carlos Gomez: fouling off a 2-strike bunt attempt is a strike out.. fouling off a 2-strike pitch while swinging gives you another pitch.. i'm not great at math but this makes perfect sense to me.. we can always trade you for a folding chair and bocce ball set..

* attn: teenage girls: speaking in abbreviations is as cool as your N'Sync poster above your bed (read: not at all).. plus OMG!! it's so annoying.. braid each others hair and figure out that 2ND syllable in "people".. keep the abbrevs to the texting..

* attn: people who think others care about their NCAA March Madness bracket: we don't.. the fact that you're leading your office pool is roughly as significant as Lindsay Lohan having a drug counselor.. my mom has won these pools with this strategy: "which one of these teams wears blue suits?".. i rest my case..

* attn: old people: your blinker works, your toupee doesn't.. act accordingly..

* attn: drunk man at the bar: the hottest girl there didn't like you when you were sober and she likes you significantly less now that you've had 9 Jag Bomb's and called her the wrong name twice..

* attn: fielders who make errors: it wasn't the gloves fault so don't stare at it.. start taking steroids and you'll be fine..

* attn: Hollywood: no amount of makeup can make some people look attractive in HD TV..

* attn: motorcycle owners: two men should never be on the same motorcycle for any reason..

* attn: creepy man: you shouldn't be at the strip club alone, nor with that "level 3 sex offender" look on your face..

* attn: girls who cut my hair: it's okay to rest your boobs on my shoulder.. it's not okay to talk to me while doing so..

* attn: drinkers: everything sounds like a good idea after 7 Vodka Sours.. tomorrow it will be a very bad idea and being arrested for peeing on a bar rarely looks good on a resume..

* attn: adults age 18 or over: it's not okay to invite others over to play video games unless alcohol is involved..

* attn: males over age 29: if you have earrings, you better be a pro athlete or the lead singer of a well known band..

*attn: girls: we're really not looking at Playboy just for the articles.. they put naked ladies in there.. we like naked ladies..

* attn: condom makers: why does the inside have to feel like the driest place in the history of civilization? girls get "lubed" and "ribbed" and we get "cactus dry".. clean it up..

* attn: Paris Hilton: you deserve congratulations for being the only person to be famous only because she's a whore.. i'd hug you but i haven't had my gonorrhea shot..

* attn: nerds: wearing socks with sandals is not acceptable unless you're at a Star Trek convention or major Math Team event..

* attn: coffee industry: coffee makes most people race themselves to the bathroom and has since the beginning of time.. figure it out.. it's nearly impossible to look cool while gripping your butt closed..

* attn: Jerry O'Connell: the fact that the fat kid from "Stand By Me" is now housing a supermodel gives every male hope (albeit false hope) that they can do the same.. i applaud and boo you simultaneously..


Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 8:59 PM 0 comments
urinal etiquette, facial hair, nerds and infomercials..

okay boys, since all of us don't know the rules, here is what needs to be done while at a urinal: 1) don't talk to me unless we're in the same circle of friends.. one of my rules is "never talk to a man who's holding his penis".. i believe all men should behave similarly.. 2) keep both hands below your waist.. i don't need the guy next to me with his hands on his hips or one hand leaning against the wall or playing with a yo-yo.. i know it's not hard to aim into a urinal, but just practice for your toilet at home.. it would make me more comfortable.. 3) eyes straight ahead UNLESS at the bar and a very lubed up and racked out female walks in demanding to use the men's restroom.. then you can look at her.. NEVER look at another man.. if he demands you look at him at gunpoint, don't fall for it.. he's just testing you.. if he has claimed to have kidnapped your children, make him describe them, then proceed as you see fit..

writer's note: i'm currently rocking sporadic facial hair that makes me look slightly more white trash than Kevin Federline, or "K-Fed".. it's a nickname i made up.. feel free to use it..

why do people go to professional baseball games and do other things besides watch the game? you're paying a ridiculous amount of money to attend the game, park, drink a beer and destroy a hot dog and you sit in your seat doing a crossword puzzle? really? i've never gone to a baseball game and done anything other than watch the game.. if you want to fill out a crossword puzzle, stay at home and save yourself the $100 (and that's probably low).. what's next? you write out your bills at the ballpark? do your taxes? bring your lap top? whatever.. if i'm paying an insane amount of money to not pay attention, i'll do it at school..

you're officially a nerd if you are out of high school and attend a high school prom.. i don't care if you've been dating since elementary school, she has to go with a friend, probably a female friend.. even if you're a freshman in college and she's a senior in high school, it doesn't matter.. you know why girls don't ever come back for guys? cause they're getting drunk, fucking the college guys and forgetting about their "high school sweetheart".. so let that puppy dog romance go, mix in a frat party and smooth talk the chick who's .20 BAC is affecting her decision-making.. it's what grown-ups do..

staying on the "nerd" topic: how about those stickers on trucks that have Calvin peeing on another truck brands logo? we already know you're a giant douche bag by how loud your truck is, we don't need childish stickers to reinforce the idea.. the same goes for women who drive trucks and have "Real Women Drive Trucks" stickers.. if my (future) girlfriend would tell me she's getting a truck, it would lead to this exchange: her: "i'm getting a truck".. me: "i'm breaking up with you".. her: "and i'm getting one of those 'Real Women Drive Trucks' stickers in my back window".. me: "enjoy your future lesbian relationships and good luck in the WNBA".. women are women for a reason, they don't need to drive trucks or have body hair (or any hair below their eyelids, for that matter).. why not start chewing tobacco and get rid of that pesky "too many teeth" problem while you're at it?..

if i see another late-night infomercial that starts out "Billy Mays here...!!" and tries to sell me knives that can cut through diamonds, giant bean bag chairs you can hibernate on, or vacuums that can suck up bowling balls (finally!!), i will immediately go to the garage and place my marble bag (see: testicles) on the belt sander.. it would be immensely less painful.. i don't care that it's originally $3 million and you're selling it to me for 4 easy payments of $19.99.. i don't care that you're throwing in an extra scrotum shaver with my eyebrow trimmer.. it's 3 a.m., save your energy, you're way too fired up about that fucking mop..


Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 6:12 PM 0 comments
Thursday, May 22, 2008
a lot of nonsense.. i was bored..

i heard the other day that there was a study done that showed 80% of Americans use their cell phone while driving.. really? how much money did we spend on this study? you could have spent zero dollars by going to any random place (a mall, sporting event, school, etc.) and asked 100 people if they use their phone while they drive and got the same results.. has anyone ever had their phone ring while driving and thought "ya know, talking on the phone while driving is dangerous, i'm not going to answer that"? absolutely not.. you might receive a text and not answer until you reach your destination but even that is really too much to ask.. how about we spend our money on studies that we could actually use, like what is it about hot girls that makes male brains absolutely shut down and forget how to speak.. or why do girls like guys that treat them like shit? this is stuff that we really need to know..

i don't care what smokers say, you can't "stop smoking whenever you want".. if you can, what is it that you enjoy about it? the increased chance of getting several dangerous diseases? paying $5 a pack to do so? ruining your clothes? your face looking like a catchers mitt? no one wanting to be in the same room as you? yes, this all sounds pleasant.. so what you really mean when you say you can quit is, "i know smoking does nothing beneficial for me but i'm addicted now so i'll just say negative things about it so people don't bug me about quitting".. it's fine if you smoke, just don't act like it's the easiest thing in the world to quit.. if it was, more people would do so..

guys and girls dance for different reasons.. you will NEVER hear a group of guys talk about going out to dance.. girls do this all the time.. girls go out dancing to forget about guys.. guys dance hoping to drunkenly make out with a girl.. that's the only purpose.. girls are usually good dancers.. most guys dance like an octopus falling out of a tree.. it's not attractive one bit.. but we know that and we're still too drunk to care.. i'll get out on the dance floor and look like the biggest idiot there but i have fun doing it.. and obviously i have a hidden agenda, i'm trying to grind on and make out with a random red-hot, racked out chick.. otherwise i'd be in the corner watching Sportscenter.. at least now you girls know.. we're doing it for you, be grateful..

i learned today that one of my co-workers has kidney stones, which i've heard is one of the most painful medical situations to deal with... my dad had them a while back and he has backed that statement.. evidently if you get them, you notice blood in your urine.. if i see blood in my urine, my immediate thought would be, "well, it was a good run".. i'd be assuming the worst right away, like i had less than a week to live.. but blood in your urine, can you imagine what goes through your head at that point? on the list of stuff i want to see coming out of my penis, blood or stones didn't make the cut.. not even "honorable mention".. the list basically consists of urine and baby making stuff.. that's it.. anything else and i'm on my way to the hospital.. actually i could live with beer coming out of there.. i'd still probably head to the hospital but i'd need a designated driver.. in all honesty, i might piss Miller Lite.. i'm fairly confident they taste exactly the same.. not to trivialize childbirth for women but i think kidney stones for men would be a somewhat comparable pain.. BUT to get pregnant you get to have sex and when childbirth is over you get to take home a kid and love them.. when you pass a kidney stone you get to take home a plastic cup with stones in it.. advantage: females, right? just kidding girls, we appreciate you carrying our offspring.. just give us the same sentimental treatment if we end up with kidney stones..

received a text today from my sister reminiscing about one particular moment of a tape of our high school overnight grad party.. they went around to all the students asking what they planned to do after high school, and one fellow male classmate of ours said word for word "i think i'm going to run my baler for a while and see what happens".. i don't want to ruin the ending but i'm fairly sure "virginity" happened.. "never seeing female breasts or genitalia" happened.. women may think Kenny Chesney's "tractor is sexy" but they don't think this guys baler is sexy.. he probably spends his weekends doing chores and watching Nascar, hoping the price of beans and corn goes up.. i just don't understand it.. God bless farmers, they are absolutely necessary to keep the country running, but i honestly don't get it.. i spent several summers as a little guy helping my cousins bale hay and every minute of it sucked.. the only thing i could think of was going to the lake afterwards, or wondering if they'd let me go home if i stuck my head in the baler.. definitely not something i'd want to do for a living.. give me an air conditioned office with several boombalottie secretaries wearing low-cut tops, thank you very much..

is anyone else scared to death by the preview of "The Strangers" that's on TV now? my God, where is my baby blanket? just those masks are scary as hell.. "why are you doing this?" "because you were home".. oh, ummm do you mind if i step out for a bit? i have some errands to run.. at least it's based on actual events, so that makes it 3 million times scarier.. i can't wait to see it and scream like a girl scout..


Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 8:22 PM 0 comments
Monday, May 19, 2008
oh, you were drunk? then it makes sense..

"i was drunk" is an acceptable excuse for doing the following:

* walking a long distance after the bar closes
* punching your best friend
* making out with a stranger
* falling out of a boat
* a man hugging another man
* crying over a sporting event
* getting a tattoo
* having no idea where your pants are
* having no idea who the person in your bed is
* texting or calling the person you like at 3 a.m.
* nearly getting kicked out of a concert (Nik)..
* drawing on passed out friends
* playing video games for 6 consecutive hours
* eating an entire bag of Doritos
* having meaningless sex with a blogger :)
* grinding on the hot girl on the dance floor
* doing karaoke
* telling someone they're "fucking hot"
* building a snowman
* crashing a wedding
* peeing in public
* inventing a new dance for "Soulja Boi"
* eating peanuts or popcorn for over an hour at the bar
* thinking the louder you talk, the more interesting you sound
* agreeing to do anything before noon the next day
* agreeing to be someone's Godparent, best man or bridesmaid
* thinking you're not drunk yet
* getting McDonald's at 3 a.m.
* eating at Perkins at 2 a.m.
* getting kicked off an airplane, out of a bar, out of a cab, anywhere..
* thinking you have model-looks
* thinking your ex wants a text or phone call after not speaking for months
* losing your cell phone
* forgetting your address
* thinking the stripper wants to have sex with you
* proposing a threesome with your girlfriend, or two random girls at the bar
* thinking everyone else wants to hear you say every word to the movie your watching
* agreeing to do anything more than a month away
* falling asleep anywhere
* calling someone sober for a ride at 4 a.m. on a weekday
* running from the cops


that's all i can come up with.. by the way, on the "uncomfortable scale", where does the "drunken phone conversation with your ex" land? gotta be somewhere between "falling down the stairs at a professional sporting event" and a "boy scout sleepover at Neverland Ranch", right? you ALWAYS regret it the next morning.. cell phones should come equipped with Breathalyzers and if you blow over a .08, the only places it can call is "home", "cab" or 911.. it would save people so many embarrassing conversations and apologies the next morning.. unless it led to a drunken booty call, then it's easier to deal with..


Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 6:41 PM 0 comments
how to get on "Cops", why cheerleading isn't a sport, and cell phone ringtones..

if you are looking to appear on "Cops", which is one of my lifetime goals, here are some prerequisites:

* you must be addicted to something (i.e. meth, alcohol, heroin, beating up loved ones, etc.)..
* you must live in a trailer, an apartment with more people than bedrooms or a house with at least two cars in the driveway that don't work..
* guys must be dressed in either a wife-beater, a torn shirt that depicts their favorite beer or Nascar driver, or topless..
* chicks must be dressed in an over-sized t-shirt with a cartoon character on it, or topless..
* you must smoke something or have something that can be smoked on your person..
* you must have more kids than teeth..
* if those kids are less than 2 years old, they can only be wearing a diaper..
* if your youngest kid is more than 6 months old, you must be pregnant again with a different guy's baby..
* if you're drunk, you have to resist arrest to the point of getting tazed..
* if you love your significant other, the black eye and blood pouring out of your face was from "falling down the stairs", "running into the door", or your "steel cage match"..
* you have the call the policeman "dude", "man" or "bro" even after he asks you several times not to..
* you only wanted to give that prostitute a ride..
* if more than one female is present, they must have a cat fight involving their purses and call each other "ho" repeatedly..
* the moment the officer puts handcuffs on you, you must ask "what am i being arrested for?"..


something can only be considered a sport if you keep score, not if it's judged by someone else.. however, just because score is being kept doesn't mean it's a sport.. for example, Scrabble: not a sport.. Golf: sport.. Bowling: not a sport.. Swimming: sport.. i love the people who try to say that cheerleading is a sport.. okay, then so is modeling.. 15 girls named Kelly or Amber clapping simultaneously and saying "yay" is not hard enough to be considered a sport, no matter how difficult they make it look.. the fact that there are more injuries per year that require medical attention in cheerleading than in football only further solidifies my point.. football players are athletes, cheerleaders are trying to get noticed for their physical appearances.. i guarantee this chick was a cheerleader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
and she was a hot one at that.. not very good at the words though.. do you train to be a cheerleader? no, you don't.. practice consists of synchronizing your claps and throws.. we appreciate the outfits, but focus less on calling yourself an "athlete" and more on catching Amber before she fractures her 5Th vertebrae..


while i'm ranting, anyone over the age of 30 should not have a rap-themed ring tone for their cell phone.. i heard Flo Rida ft. T-Pain "Low" while i was on break at work today, so i looked over to see who was hip enough to have that rocking their cell phone, and it was a lady who was absolutely in her 40's.. if you're likely to injure yourself dancing to your ring tone, you shouldn't have it.. that's my rule.. worry more about your plan to attack the upcoming menopause or male-pattern baldness..

Posted by Fluently Sarcastic at 5:47 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 18, 2008

things it's okay for a man to do while shirtless in public..

taken from Esquire magazine, thought the list was funny... Beach-go. Have appendix removed. Sit in any section labeled "splash zone". Attend Burning Man. Crawl toward an oasis. Hew something. Watch a friend get busted on Cops (in person or on TV). Celebrate a bicycle kick. Stanch the bleeding of a dying man. Play against the "shirts". Bale hay. Frolic in the spray of an open fire hydrant (only under the age of 12). Talk to a blind person.


Sunday, June 1, 2008
random

this post is unofficially being brought to you by that one Linkin Park song where one guy raps while the other guy screams..

if i had the choice between sex with all 26 "case girls" on Deal or No Deal or a lifetime supply of strawberry Gushers, it would take me a while to decide..

i can't be the only one aware of the sexual tension between Bert and Ernie, can i?

if Ja Rule was playing a free concert in my backyard, i'd turn out the lights and go to bed..

we've sent people into outer space but we can't make cars that have headlights automatically turn on when your windshield wipers go on? i don't know how many idiots i have to nearly run into because i can't see them when it's raining.. it's not brain surgery..

how many e-mails do i have to get telling me to buy a pill that will increase my penis size? if i'm looking to get into porn, i'll think about it.. on that same topic: one of my roommates while watching a Cialis commercial tonight says, "why do we need a 12 minute commercial for this? just say 'take this, get a boner'".. solid point..

i can't wait to see a kid wearing those "roller sneaker" things roll directly into on-coming traffic..

i'm more likely to call in sick to work if i have painful pimple than if i have the flu..

what is it about bonfires that makes it perfectly acceptable to sit in a circle and stare at the ground for 3 hours? without a fire to look at, it's impossible.. with a fire, it's nearly impossible to leave..

i'd be surprised if more than zero people know how to spell better than whoever wins the National Scripts Spelling Bee, hosted by ESPN and Erin Andrews (thank God)..

on the 1-10 "slut" scale, every girl goes up .5 points with every alcoholic beverage.. on the 1-10 "horny" scale, every guy goes up .5 with every alcoholic beverage.. that can't be a coincidence..

i like how some people who play softball treat it like game 7 of the World Series.. any sport that can be dominated by 275 pound men while drinking beer shouldn't be taken seriously..


watching Sportscenter while typing this, they just had a story similar to the movie "Ladder 49", which i did not cry during, contrary to the reports in the Enquirer.. it was dusty in the room.. anyway, a man was the coach of a high school basketball team as well as a captain of a fire department.. he had coached these kids since 8Th grade and told them then that they could win a state championship by the time they graduated if they worked hard at it.. the summer before their senior year, he responded to a structure fire at a furniture store and was trapped inside.. he called for mayday and said over the radio to tell his wife that he loved her.. this was one day after their one-year wedding anniversary.. getting dusty again.. anyway, he and 8 other firefighters died fighting that fire.. well his basketball team ended up in the championship game where they led by 2 points with 1.7 seconds left.. one player on the team was on the free throw line with a one-and-one opportunity to seal the game.. he missed the first attempt, the other team gets the rebound, the player takes 2 dribbles and heaves a 65-foot shot that goes in and the referees allow.. the players are obviously crushed and hoping the play gets reversed.. the officials gather and without looking at a video replay decide that the shot happened too late and would not count.. i took 15 minutes out of my blogging just enthralled with the story.. super sad but a very cool ending.. not often ESPN gives you that feeling in your throat where you're about to cry..