counting to 100..

this post is being co-brought to you by being so excited to eat something hot that you burn the roof of your mouth and spend the next three days licking dead skin off it and the real names of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior being Terry and Jim, respectively..

there is a semi-decent possibility of me getting a lead position at my job, which consequently could lead to fewer blogs.. don't hold your breath, but i apologize in advance if it happens..

you know you're getting old when you're invited to play cards and say "actually, i think we're going bowling tonight".. next up, shuffleboard and "Wheel of Fortune" nights..

i never cease to be amazed by the number of chances some people give others to decide if they want to be together.. i know you can't help who you like but if you've given someone 3 or 4 chances to make up their mind, maybe it's time to let them go.. it happens so often and i find it comical every time.. say you're actually successful and they decide they "want to be with you".. would you ever be able to trust that's the case? or maybe they "want to be with you" until someone better comes along, and they're using you until then.. some people just aren't wired to be with one person.. figure it out, the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to something and someone you know is real..

every time i go to the gym in the morning, i feel so awesome afterwards.. the problem is, i rarely make it out of my bed.. it's so hard, especially in the winter.. my alarm will go off, i'll throw the covers back and be hit immediately by what feels like 7 degrees, say "fuck that" and go back to sleep.. one of these days i'll find the motivation to get up every day and go, apparently self-motivation isn't enough.. the group of grandmothers that are there weekday mornings don't help matters either..

girls, if you walk away from a guy, he looks at your butt.. you could be naked, wearing underwear or wearing snowpants, it doesn't matter.. keep this in mind..

one of the more entertaining parts of drinking for me is going through my phone the next day to see who and what i texted.. for one, texting with my new phone while drunk is pretty much impossible.. you need infant fingers to hit the correct letter.. "wow, that's an interesting way to spell 'drinking in the hot tub'".. i think i've agreed to trips to Vegas and to father children recently, too.. neither will happen soon, God willing..

reading a magazine last night (maybe Cosmo, maybe not), i came across a story where a woman was attacked while she was hiking, and her attacker demanded the PIN numbers to her bank accounts.. when she didn't give them to him, he raped her and then beat her to death.. needless to say, i sent an e-mail first thing this morning to my sister who runs outside a lot, and told her she should either get a whistle or pepper spray to bring with her.. there's a small chance of anything happening but it does happen and those things can be life savers.. i know other runners read this and probably know the risks of running outside, especially alone or near dark.. just some ideas to help keep you safe..

know what else Cosmo taught me? if i'm having my period but don't have any tampons handy, i can wrap several sheets of toilet paper around my panties until i find suitable protection.. but i should never put toilet paper in my vagina cause it can easily flake off inside me and cause an infection.. also, you can tell what kind of boyfriend or lover a guy will be by the way he sleeps.. and research shows women don't like when their husbands/boyfriends have sex with other women..

i don't remember how old i was but when i was little, i wanted to join the local hockey team.. i convinced my mom to bring me into town to where the sign-up was and check it out.. turns out hockey is much more expensive than other sports.. we found out it cost roughly $3 million for everything (entry fee, pads, a stick, skates, life insurance, dentures).. even at this point, i was convinced she'd let me.. we got back into the car and she said "honey, i'm sorry but i can't afford that".. me being the terrible son that i am, yelled at her the entire way home, convince that other mom's loved their sons more.. looking back at it now it's ridiculous because there's no way i would have played hockey rather than basketball, since those skills led me to a successful back-up guard role on our team.. dammit, i could have been Wayne Gretzky, only American and, you know, not as bad..

Ran a 6K on Saturday wearing The World's Thinnest Gloves by Frostbite.. not an enjoyable experience..

Saturday night, i watched the movie "The Strangers" for the first time with a roommate and his girlfriend.. before the movie started, i carefully debated where i would sit so they "couldn't get me".. the love seat thing we have wasn't an option because they had the entire kitchen, plus they could come up the stairs.. Roommate and Gal were on the big couch because that's the safest place and they only worry about themselves.. my last option was the couch by the window.. if you've seen "The Strangers", you know window seats aren't the most desirable place to have.. anyway, i bravely stacked the top of the couch with pillows to block the window (everyone knows people wearing masks can't survive pillows) and brought my body pillow out from my room, which i clutched like a lumberjack.. Roommate had seen the movie twice before so he declared he would be watching me the entire movie.. before we started, i sent this text to my sister:

me: "watching 'The Strangers' for the first time"..
her: "you won't sleep tonight"..

then, when it was over:

her: "did you like it?"..
me: "fuck that shit"..


i like when people who don't know a thing about sports try talking to me about sports.. "the Vikings really need to get a running back this off-season".. "oh.. ever hear of Adrian Peterson? he's pretty good, if you like strong, fast running backs"..

this is from a couple years ago but it proves how naive i am when it comes to girls.. i'll leave out names because the people who know the situation know who i'm talking about.. we had a party at our house for the birthday of an ex-roommate.. he and i dressed seductively that night, wearing button-up shirts and ties, and i was rocking my famous "cab driver" hat.. one of my current roommates had a different girlfriend at the time, she came over and brought one of her friends, whom i'd never met before.. i thought she was kinda cute so when we played "tippy cup", i stood by her.. about halfway through the game or so, she turned to me and said "i like your hat", with a fairly seductive smile.. it was at that point that i knew i'd end up making out with her.. i didn't know i'd do it on camera.. eventually she took my hat, wore it for a while until i asked if i could have it back.. she said something to the effect of "what are you going to give me?".. oh boy.. yet another roommate is manning a video camera to capture all the crazy events of the birthday party, so he suggests making out on camera for 10 seconds.. obviously i agree, and less obviously, she does too.. it was another guys job to count to 10 out loud, which he did rather slowly and i haven't paid to this day.. evidently, round 1 wasn't enough because the camera caught her ambush me again almost immediately, and that's how most of the rest of the night went..

she stayed in my room that night and (seriously) nothing happened.. the next morning, i got an awkward "see ya later" and she left.. i thought that's how it would end because neither of us had each others number and i was fine with that.. not something i usually do but not something i'm above, either.. apparently she had the number of my roommate because almost immediately after she left, he got a text that told him to give me her number and that he should give her mine.. she was cool, so i did.. we ended up going to a movie that night, and she was totally all into me.. i was finally the one who was playing it cool and not rushing stuff, but i got to the point where i really liked her.. we'd hang out a few nights a week and spend the night at each others place.. then, a couple months later, i get a "i need to talk to you" text.. so obviously i think she's pregnant and i start flipping out, even though she was on the pill and i used protection every time.. that doesn't matter in a guys head when you hear "i need to talk to you".. she wanted to wait until the next day to talk but knowing i wouldn't sleep if i didn't know what was going on, i called her.. she gave me the "don't know if i want a relationship" speech, which sucked because i liked her but was better than child support, and she said she still wanted to hang out.. shortly thereafter, she was at our house and we were watching TV in the living room, on separate couches and she was texting almost the entire time.. this was weird to me, so when she said she was going to go home, i was almost glad..

the next day (this is early December), i get home from work and my roommate almost immediately tells me he has to talk to me.. we go into my bedroom and shut the door.. evidently, the person she was texting the night before was him.. and what she was texting was that she was starting to think she had feelings for him.. that sucked a lot for me to hear, especially since she had just told me she "didn't know if she wanted a relationship".. i thanked him for being a good friend (he was single and easily could have went behind my back, i know others who probably would do that).. then i texted her to confront her.. i ended up going to her place and having a big talk which cleared up nothing and also did nothing to move my stomach anywhere below my Adam's apple.. obviously, things between us changed immediately and we talked less and less.. then she apologized and said she didn't mean what she said.. then i bought her Christmas gifts.. then i stood barefoot outside my brothers house on Christmas night talking to her for 45 minutes because she called and that's the only place i got service (thanks Sprint).. then, on her birthday in early February, i gave her the quilt i had my mom start making back in November because i thought things were going well and it's hard to stop making a quilt once you've started.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot when it comes to girls.. eventually we stopped talking completely except for the occasional Facebook thing, and she randomly texted me recently because she missed me and the roommates.. but this goes back to the "giving someone so many chances" thing.. i had been informed that she "didn't want a relationship" and "had feelings for" one of my best friends and roommates, and three weeks later i gave her gifts for Christmas and stood outside barefoot for nearly an hour talking to her on the phone.. looking back it's really dumb, but that's what i do when i like a girl, i guess..


Men's Health tips of the week

Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers

1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."

2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."

3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."

7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

11. "You're my daddy."

12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.

13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"

14. "Show me everything you know."

15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

17. "I'll make your bed spin."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

19. "Spank me now!"

20. "How the hell did you do that?"

21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."

22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"

23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."

24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."


Make Her Fantasies Come True

By: Nicole Beland

Most women aren't very good at asking for what they want, especially in the beginning of a relationship. And by "beginning," I mean anywhere from the first night to the first 2 years. For one thing, we're hopelessly romantic. We imagine that the right guy will instinctively grant us every sexual favor we've ever fantasized about, without our having to say anything. Ridiculous, sure, but a girl can dream.

Also—trust me here—we dread being perceived as high maintenance. We see how put out you guys are by the idea of phoning us once a day or escorting us to a cousin's wedding. So asking for 45 uninterrupted minutes of cunnilingus seems outrageous.

The good news is that we are fantasizing about sex. (Wow—you, too?) And we will get around to requesting our favors just as soon as we feel comfortable and confident enough. If your partner isn't there yet, let me give you an idea of what those favors might be—maybe you can coax them out of her. Speaking on behalf of my gender, I wish you'd . . .

1. Shower before bed.
Seeing you emerge from a steamy bathroom with droplets of water clinging to your biceps makes me want to dry you off with my tongue. That includes all those soft, warm, sensitive places—but only when they're Zestfully clean.

2. Talk dirtier.
Much dirtier. Trot out a variety of nasty words one night, and if I grunt and moan in agreement, kick it up a notch. When I respond with total silence, dial it back down.

3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.
But say that you did this with/to me in a dream. That'll allow me to maintain the illusion that it isn't something you used to do with an ex-hookup, or an idea you picked up from porn. I might not agree to reenact it, but hearing about it will make me feel like your naughty little confidante, which is very hot. Bonus: It'll give me the courage to tell you mine.

7. Read up on sex.
There are books on boinking that are worth the embarrassment of buying them. Like Ian Kerner's She Comes First, for example. It's a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning. Yes, you're an amazing lover already, but Kerner has a Ph.D. for a reason.

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.
Or while we're still in the hallway. I don't know what, if anything, happened between Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson in that elevator, but if Del Toro acted as if having sex with her right then and there was the only reason he was put on this planet, I could understand if she obliged. When a guy lusts after me so urgently that he can't even wait the 90 seconds it takes to get to the bed, it makes me feel like a movie star.

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

11. Treat sex like a buffet.
Take breaks during intercourse to go back for appetizers. Too often, making out, manual stimulation, and breast caressing get cast aside when the more serious stuff starts. But without generous amounts of all three from start to finish, the female orgasm is infinitely harder to achieve.

12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

17. Watch me shave my legs.
Offer to help me shave other places.

18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.


Lyrics of the Week

"Awake" by Dashboard Confessional

Awake, through the years it takes to see you
'Til I almost lose my mind
'Cause I'll never be alright
And I'm sorry you had to see this
But I'm such a mess
And I never could forget

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come


"You Had Me From Hello" by Kenny Chesney

One word, that's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

Inside, I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time I let someone in

But you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

That's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head
You had me from "Hello"
You had me from "Hello"
Girl I've loved you from "Hello"


"There's Something Sexy About The Rain" by Kenny Chesney

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes it rained all night
And everything she did was perfect
And every way we were was right
We loved like there was no tomorrow
Then suddenly tomorrow came
And it was raining at the airport
And kept on raining on the plane

She only loved me for a season
But my heart won't ever be the same
Even now her love's the reason

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes when it's pouring down
I feel her kisses on my skin
I spread my arms and spin around
And let that summer island storm
Hit me like a hurricane
It's like she's right here whispering
There's something sexy about the rain

She followed me back to the city
In a picture in my mind
She's still young and she's still pretty
And even after all this time

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field, in a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why
There's something sexy about the rain

She taught me how and she's still why
There's something sexy about the rain
Something sexy about the rain
Feels like kisses on my skin
In a summer island storm
Something sexy


"Every Once In A While" by Blackhawk

When the moon is bright
On a Saturday night
There's a thousand stars in the sky
On a winding road her memory flows
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

She tries to forget
But she hasn't yet
Not a single day goes by
That feeling again reminds of when
I held her tight, it felt so right

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

And every once in a while
She calls my name out loud
And when she thinks about us
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

Every once in a while


"I Miss You" by Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


"So Contagious" by Acceptance

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


"Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack

I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I don't cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
How will I break the news to you?

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?


"White Lines and Red Lights" by Between The Trees

Late night, driving home together
and at red lights we press our lips together
and we're holding tight now
slow it down now
Let's take our time
let the moment last
until it feels right
holding back
and not getting to carried away
let the music fade

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love
Your love...

We are in each others arms
just like a movie scene
And as we're leaning in
the light decides to turn green
Me and you together
this is getting better
just butterflies won't do
I don't want just red lights
I want more of these nights
baby I love you

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with you!

Me and you is what matters most
It's not the intimacy that brings me
Closer to you...