i saw her standing there..

this post is being co-brought to you by girls basketball players chest-bumping after a lay up and the 2-liter Sunkist bottle with 3 inches of chew spit under our coffee table..

this past Friday, 3 roommates plus myself went to a bar that's just a few blocks away.. we had our annual Alumni basketball tournament for our high school the next day and a few of our teammates joined us as well, along with all the girlfriends of the house.. the pitchers full of beer couldn't keep up with us and the guys were engulfed in a discussion about taxes, W2's and 1099's.. this is a topic i know nothing about, so i initiate a discussion about sex with the girls, a topic i know even less about.. i'm not sure where this conversation ended up because i got "can't remember how we got home" drunk.. i think at one time i explained that guys have a way of viewing a girls sex drive and desire for it as lower as their own, leading to some hesitancy about initiating it.. this theory was quickly debunked, however, as was the "too tired" and "i have a headache" excuses that are stereotypically linked to girls.. when we decided to leave, i started (or continued) talking about the level of attractiveness of our waitress, so one of the girls got my number from her cell phone and wrote it on the back of that worthless receipt that restaurants give you.. i think that's the sole purpose of them, actually.. much to my chagrin, i saw her grab it off the table and crumple it without even looking at it.. ugh, my life story.. to make a long story longer, we got back to our house and continued drinking, although i think i was the only one taking shots.. we reminisced about old high school basketball stories and talked trash about going into the hot tub, which led Mike to go ask his gal who had been sleeping for an hour if she wanted to go in.. she didn't.. the events of this night led me to oversleep my alarm the next morning and politely inform the opposing team that "i'm not sober right now".. half of our team's pores were leaking alcohol, which i think distracted the other team, leading to our victory.. the moral of the story: always drink heavily the night before grueling physical activity..

the Fox weather woman in Chicago is named Amy Freeze.. how cool is it that a girl named Amy Freeze is a meteorologist in the Midwest? you can't make that up, she was destined to do that.. it couldn't have worked out better if she used a fake name..

have you heard about one bride-to-be forcing her bridesmaids to sign a contract saying they wouldn't change their hair or gain any weight? the bride has since claimed it was done in good humor and meant it to be something to laugh about between the girls but who knows these days? and what happens if they fail to meet the stipulations of the contract? they lose their "friendship" with you? here's how i would deal with this situation as a male if my future-wife-to be (we'll call her "that hot girl who's on 'American Idol'", more on her later) informed me she was employing this tactic:

her: "i'm going to make my bridesmaids sign a contract"
me: "i'm breaking up with you"

i'm assuming the first question for males interviewing to be the body painter for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is: "you're gay, right?" no way they let heterosexual males close to naked girls who look like that, and then give them permission to paint on them.. also, i'm moderately attracted to the green M&M on the back cover..

i can't believe Spring Training is already starting.. pitchers and catchers reported yesterday for the Twins, and the rest of the team reports on Friday.. i can't wait to watch #86 strike out #71 in the 8th inning of meaningless games for a month..

i fell in love with Anne Marie Boskovich while watching "American Idol" auditions a few weeks ago.. when she first came in to audition, she had kind of a plain, girl-next-door look to her but you could tell she was super attractive if she played it up a bit.. the judges wouldn't let her sing, they told her to go out and sex herself up.. so she took off some stupid sweater thing she was wearing, did her hair a bit and put a little make up on.. she came back wearing a flowery skirt and a white tank top that made my pants hurt.. plus she loves country music and is from Nashville, one of the cities i most want to visit!! it's like she went on the show to get me to notice her and want to marry her.. i've always liked girls who are really attractive who know they're attractive but don't let other people know they know they're attractive.. get it?.. the greatest ever was last week when all the contestants that were moving onto the next round danced in some montage at the end of the show.. since she seems shy and timid, i wasn't expecting much out of her.. she danced so fucking hot that i forced one of my roommates to come upstairs and rewound it for him.. he wasn't as fired up about it as i was.. he'll feel differently at our wedding, i'm sure..

was told that my review of "Grey's Anatomy" was "perfect" and pretty much summed up this season.. pretty good for one episode, huh?

if i need to know the pronunciation or meaning of a word, i'll call my mom or find her at work (we share the same building).. today, that word was "superfluous".. i had no idea how to say it.. who better to go to than a woman who read 70+ books last year? that's an average of one book every five days.. she's not reading "Berenstein Bears Go To The Doctor" either..

remember Valentine's Day back in kindergarten? you had to make your own mailbox thing and decorate it in hearts and all that crap.. then on V-day, your box would fill up with cards and candy from the rest of the class.. so you'd end up with 30 boxes of those Sweetheart things that said stuff like "I Want U" or "U R Hott" or whatever.. and you'd get a Barbi card from the class fox and get all fired up because she used a heart to dot the 'i' in her name and fall in love with her.. until recess when you find out that three of your friends got the same exact card signed the same exact way.. so you'd unanimously decide she was a whore and go play Nintendo after school..

here's a serious question: are girls supposed to get guys something for Valentine's Day? a couple nights ago, one of my roommates asked the rest of the house "what did you guys get for Valentine's Day?".. they all kinda looked around in a stunned silence.. finally one of them said "you got something for Valentine's Day?".. apparently his gal had bought him four shirts.. really?? i'm with the three guys who didn't get anything, i wouldn't expect it because it's more of a girls holiday.. if you both get each other some big gift it's like Christmas all over again, making Christmas mean less and making you spend a lot more money just two months later.. do something romantic, maybe the guy gets the girl something and call it a holiday.. that's my opinion, i guess..

casual, partial nudity is always appreciated..

for the last two nights, my roommates and i have been watching old WWF wrestling movies.. it's awesome.. as a kid, i was obsessed with wrestling.. i had all the gear, the fake championship belt, the wrestling buddy, the action figures, etc.. my family lived about 4 or 5 miles from town but every few days in the summer, i would bike in to rent wrestling movies, occasionally wiping out going "no-handed".. that is, until my cousins informed me that some movies have naked girls in them and this particular movie place was fairly lackadaisical at enforcing "don't let teenage boys rent unrated movies" rule.. i've been told by my mom that when i was about 2 or 3 years old, i would ask every night "is wessling on?" and get so fired up if it was.. not sure if there was a kid cuter than me in the history of the world.. also, i remember being traumatized by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper being attacked backstage and having his leg put between a folding chair and the "bad guys" stomping on it, "breaking" his leg.. re-watching some of these videos now and it's amazing how i got that into it.. most of the moves don't even come close to looking like they hurt.. punches miss by inches and sometimes feet, not to mention the fact that 250 pound men are "punching" each other in the face and not falling down or bleeding.. but seriously, how can't you become obsessed with a sport that portrays a fat, white man in a blue and yellow suit as Akeem the "African Dream"?? exactly.. you don't see baseball players caring enough about what they do to take steroids and have their heart explode on them at age 40, do you? well, wait a few years to answer that..

if i went to high school with the Jonas Brothers, i would have made fun of them behind their back then when they got famous, i'd have told everyone that i was friends with them in high school.. this goes for all male celebrities that appear douchebaggy..

this is fun.. about a month ago, we had a pregnancy scare in the house.. with no knowledge of anything, four of us were teasing another roommate about him potentially having to move out when his girlfriend gets pregnant, only because we know his birth control method (no condom, pull out, cross fingers).. for everyone reading this under the age of 11, you don't have to (you know) in the girl for her to get pregnant.. you know that spot on a guys boxers when he's really turned on? that has sperm in it, too.. sperm + egg = whoops.. anyway, this roommate says "don't joke about that, she might be pregnant".. now we're paying attention.. "what do you mean she might be pregnant?".. "she's late and has been feeling sick lately".. "oh my god, she's pregnant!! have you picked out names? (sadly, they have?) when are you getting married? can i be the godfather?".. i think we were in such a good mood about it because it wasn't us in that situation.. even if you do everything right, for the next month you're holding your breath when you see her calling.. anyway, we've never rooted against a period so hard in our lives because he was so nonchalant about it.. he said "i really like her.. plus i'm 25, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world".. i guess, but it's at least in the top 5.. babies have to cost at least, like what, $300-$500 a year, right?? she ended up not being pregnant and we avoided having to find a hot, uncrazy chick to take his place in the house.. and for the record, i don't care if she's on the pill or whatever.. if she's willing to let you go in there unprotected, she's probably done that with other guys in the past, meaning you're essentially having with those dudes too.. better hope crossing your fingers prevents that pesky herpes thing..


Men's Health Tips of the Week

23 Ways to Be the Man She Wants

1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.

2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.

3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.

4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.

5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.

6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.

7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.

8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.

9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.

10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.

11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you.

12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.

13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.

14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.

15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.

16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.

17. If you're late, call.

18. Brush your teeth a lot.

19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.

20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for a) sloth, b) passivity, or c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.

21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them.

22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks—closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat—that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.

23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.


41 Ways to Make a Woman Swoon

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

8. Kiss her eyelids.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

27. Worship her breasts.

28. Give her jewelry.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.


Lyrics of the Week

"Do You Remember" by Jack Johnson

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do
It was some time in early September
Though you were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you, I didn't mind

So I was late for class, I locked my bike to yours
It wasn't hard to find, you'd painted flowers on
Guess that I was afraid that if you rolled away
You might not roll back my direction real soon

Well, I was crazy about you then and now
The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by
And you're still mine, we're locked in time
Let's rewind

Do you remember when we first moved in together?
The piano took up the living room
You played me boogie-woogie, I played you love songs
You'd say we're playing house, now you still say we are

We built our getaway up in a tree we found
We felt so far away though we were still in town
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at

Well all these times they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind, we're locked in time
But you're still mine
Do you remember?"


"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)

But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)


"The Sharp Hint of New Tears" by Dashboard Confessional

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight I'll take the long way
In this weather
The wind outside is biting
It has left me feeling tired and exposed
You've been asking me to bleed
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now
Your lack of shame comes naturally
I should not be surprised
I should have seen it sooner

Expect me to apologize
For things that you've done wrong
While you're inciting others
You're owning up to nothing
And I wish that I was gone
Because you're not going anywhere

In this damp air
It’s fighting my defroster
My sighs they ring victorious
And fog this tinted glass
And it’s clouded
And so is my head
The hint of these new tears are sharp
I try to choke them back
But it’s useless
I'm useless against them
They're beating me with ease

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight I'll take the long way

Expect me to apologize
For things that you've done wrong
While you're inciting others
You're owning up to nothing
And I wish that I was gone
Because you're not going anywhere

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight ill take the long way


"Slow Down" by The Academy Is...

Close the door and take the stairs
Up or down, Ups and downs
Don't pretend you've never been there
You kiss me like an overdramatic actor
Who's starving for work
With one last shot to make it happen

You won the role, you've played your part
You've been cordially invited
But I'm not impressed
And I'm definitely not excited
Cause the film runs a shallow budget
And the writer's subject script isn't any deeper
So dive right in

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
Don't quit 'til 47.
Then we'll turn it up, and we'll play a little faster.

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a word of it
You never did

She said, 'Alright, alright slow down'
Oh no, oh no we won't
Cause I regret everything that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special
Or that she ever really mattered
Or did she ever really matter?

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
Just don't count on this summer
Don't quit 'til 47
Then we'll turn it up and we'll play a little faster

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a word of it
You never did

I'm not sayin' that I'm not breakin' some hearts tonight, girl
Oh, I'm not sayin' that I'm not breakin' some hearts tonight, girl

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
we will take this time to do many things
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
we will take this time to do many things

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a god damn word of it
You never did

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in


"Even If I Wanted To" by Jason Aldean

I'm on the brink
I can barely think
With all of these thoughts
Running through my head
Wonderin' if I did you wrong
No way, I did you wrong

Every night, I try to justify
All the angry things I said
Oh but I can't take 'em back
No I can't do that
I was wrong, oh but now you're gone

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

All the times I sat and watched you cry
When I should have held you close
Made sure that you know
How much I cared
But I was never there
I was wrong
And now you've moved on

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

Even if I wanted to

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

Even if I wanted to


"You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
but thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying my best to get along
but that's okay there's nothing left to say but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left,
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So, take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we've got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yea

And you're gonna think of me,
Oh someday baby, someday