she talks to angels..

this post is being co-brought to you by Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" and my roommates newly acquired fear of wild turkeys..

first of all, after the drama with Alex Rodriguez the past few days, i'd like to take this opportunity to assure you that my level of goofiness is all-natural and not the result of performance enhancing drugs..

remember the 17-year-old girl from the "crazy game of poker" post on October 20th?? if not, feel free to read it and get the backstory.. anyway, Sunday night, i get a text from a number not in my phone.. this is what ensued:

her: hey! how're you doing?
me: good, who is this?
her: this is (crazy girl). how could you forget me? i haven't forgot you, ya sexy thing!
(i don't respond, wanting no part of this)
her: i might be coming up to St. Cloud this weekend, i think we should go out to a movie or grab a bite to eat! what do you think about that?
(wow.. roommates having a good laugh.. i fear for my safety..)
her: well then i'll just have to pick you up on Saturday. you can be my secret valentine!
(keep in mind, the only thing i said to her was "who is this?".. apparently she's having a conversation with myself in her head).. she was done after that, or so i thought.. at 6:43 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, i get "good morning! :)".. i was so fucking livid at that moment, i immediately went onto verizonwireless.com to see if blocking her number was an option.. sadly it is not.. then again that afternoon, i get a "hey you!" text from her.. how fucking clueless do you have to be to continue texting someone who has only said "who is this?" to you and never responded to anything else? luckily today was "crazy girl"-free but i have no clue what i'm going to do if she keeps doing it.. how much are restraining orders?

did something amazing on Saturday.. i was in Target and left without purchasing anything.. i even made my rounds through the crazy hat section that i've become famous for.. the lowlight of my time there occurred when i was waiting for my mom and sister to finish getting cleaning supplies and i wandered off daydreaming and took a wrong turn into the tampon/pregnancy test aisle.. with an attractive gal browsing the pregnancy test selections.. oh boy.. what are my options at this point? i can't immediately turn around and get out of there cause she'll think either a) the truth, that i'm a moron and wasn't paying attention.. or b) was scammed into buying tampons by my girlfriend and was too embarrassed to do it in front of her.. i can't really stick around for a lengthy time because i'm starting to sweat and hyperventilate.. so, i did what any self-respecting guy would do.. acted like my cell phone was vibrating, dug in my pocket, and walked away acting like i was having a conversation, completely saving my dignity.. thank you, thank you.. then i walked to the shoe section with my sister because she needed shoes for a wedding.. after making fun of her for shopping for wedding shoes at Target (and her giving me 1,284 reasons why that's okay), i helped her look.. her dress is black, so naturally we're looking for black shoes.. i didn't even need her help with that.. being the proud owner of two testicles, i was picking out black shoes that were too "shiny", "clunky", "strappy" and "not the right black".. after suggesting black shoes with a large amount of tan, i'm told to "stop suggesting stuff, you're horrible at this".. that's when i made my way to the goofy hat section, pausing along the way to wonder about my level of need for a pair of lounge pants that would definitely accent my buns, ultimately deciding against it and disappointing all living females..

on Friday, i attempted to get out of my Sprint contract 11 months early without paying the $200 termination fee.. so i go into the Sprint store, where i'm told that i have to call Sprint's customer service line because they don't handle stuff like that in a retail store.. great.. so i go into the parking lot and call customer service.. after hitting 15 buttons to talk to a real human, an obviously foreign gentleman comes on, and i explain my reason for calling.. first i point out to him that i get terrible reception, talking on the phone at my parents house requires going into the front yard, texts sometimes get to the recipient 4 hours after i send it and i had one bar of service at the top of the Sears Tower in one of America's largest cities, to which he argued "service could be blocked by other tall buildings".. Sears Tower was once the tallest building on earth, by the way.. in a great display of irony, my call with him was lost.. he called me back, it was lost again.. he didn't call back, so i called again, this time getting a woman.. i explained that i was just talking to a guy about terminating my Sprint contract without paying the fee, to which she replied "okaaaay, and what do you want me to do about that?".. oh my god.. how are these people hired? if you can't help me, connect me with someone who can help me.. to make a long story longer, i brought up the fact that they raised their administrative fees without alerting their customers which is a breach of contract and they let me leave without paying the fee.. this led to my sister and i being the world's shortest-tenured owners of Blackberry's in history..

E-mail of the Week

me to my brother: "i found out yesterday that i can still shoot a basketball fairly well"
his reply to me: "yeah, i have that same problem"


one of my favorite days of the year is this Saturday.. no, not Valentine's Day.. it's my high school's Alumni basketball tournament, where all the players from previous graduating classes get together and play, and then have several adult beverages at the local watering hole.. this isn't to pick on Valentine's Day, it's just nice to know that instead of being at home by myself this year, i'll be out with my roommates and friends.. Valentine's Day is fine but i'm with those who think that you don't need a day to give gifts or whatever.. i'm sure i'd do the cliche' thing with dinner and flowers or whatever since i'm supposed to.. but i'd also do something a million times cooler on some random Thursday because i liked how unbelievably cute she was trying to get her hair un-sleepified that morning while i watched from the bed..

pancakes make me happy..

was coerced this past Thursday into watching "Grey's Anatomy" for the first time.. here's what you need to know: Red Beard is fucking Dr. Yang; McDreamy is trying to propose to Grey and i'm not sure how long there's been setbacks in that; Grey's sister is hanging out with some guy with a graying beard that looks a lot older than she is but there's no sex involved? Izzie has anemia; Bailey got a promotion and doesn't like working with dying kids (i.e. the one that episode who had Ventricle Septal Defect) and one couple was in the hospital for trying #9 in some magazine and got something stuck in the man's butt.. and that's about it.. you can jump right in and feel like you haven't missed an episode :)

my dream of watching Twins games by the light of our Christmas tree is still alive and well.. what says "America's Pasttime" more than a fake spruce tree (that somehow is dying?) covered in sporadic bulbs and topped by an empty can of Hackstein beer that i shotgunned?? exactly, nothing..

Text of the Week

me to roommate Josh (while in Chicago): "I miss singing N'Sync duets with you"
him to me: "I miss your gray sweatpants"

my favorite is when greedy assbags on "Wheel of Fortune" can easily solve the puzzle but they spin one more time and land on bankrupt.. i like solving the puzzle before anyone on the show and imagining how much money i'd have.. probably enough to make Vanna look young again.. i'm a genius in my living room.. (by the way, Vanna has the easiest job on the planet.. touch the square that lights up and smile.. whatever)..

in our house, sentences that would be considered weird anywhere else don't faze us in the least bit.. case in point, yesterday morning while we're getting ready for work, my roommate Robert comes out of his bedroom and tells me "i was just watching 'Little House on the Prairie'".. i respond with "nice, a 17-year-old girl texted me at 6:43 a.m.".. "that's awesome", he says.. no laughing was involved.. this stuff is commonplace here.. it's phenomenal..

Friday night, after the whole cell phone deal was done, my sister and i went to Buffalo Wild Wings.. you can tell where this is going, obviously our waitress was muy caliente.. i seem to find good looking girls there.. anyway, guys are trained to immediately look at the ring finger to see if a girl is available (and by "immediately", i obviously mean "after checking out everything else").. the bad news is that she had a giant rock on hers.. there are certain girls that you can tell are both hot and cool at the same time, and she was one of them.. i couldn't help but simultaneously hope her fiance was a giant douchebag and she'd figure that out over the course of my dinner, taking out her frustrations with him on the zipper of my pants back at her place.. but also hope he actually treated her well.. "i'm better than your fiance" i tell her in my head, while looking into her eyes that were 100 shades of ridiculous, with a caboose to match.. when girls get engaged, they should immediately lose all desire to look good in public.. it's just not fair to other guys who have to see it.. also, i've grown to realize that anytime i'm in public with my sister, people who don't know us assume she's my girlfriend, which i try to avoid by walking as far away from her as possible.. classy, i know..

Cosmo tips of the Week

Cosmo printed a suggestion by FHM magazine, and in their defense they called it dumb.. here's the suggestion: "slide marbles down your condom once it's on to add girth and cause a pleasant sensation for her".. i have more than one issue with this.. for one, i'm not going to make pornstars blush or anything but when i have a condom on, not much else is getting in there.. it's plenty snug already.. secondly, the chance of marbles breaking the condom is roughly 103%.. maybe Junior can snag some of those marbles caught in mom's vagina on the way out in nine months?

also, this sentence also caught my eye: "if men can move on the dance floor, they can probably move from the bed to the bedroom floor".. i'm adding that selfishly because i've been told i'm okay at dancing..


Men's Health tips of the Week

women were asked which part of themselves they'd like most to receive a private compliments about.. here are the results:

Eyes 26%
Butt 25%
Breasts 18%
Legs 10%
Lips 7%
Hair 7%
Skin 7%


The Color of Desire

This explains a lot about Valentine's Day: The color red turns men on. Researchers from the University of Rochester had 149 men look at pictures of women wearing white, gray, blue, green and red shirts. The guys ranked the red-clad women as more sexually attractive. Researchers believe this is a biological response reinforced by society's linking the color with sex and romance. "I think women tend to use red lipstick, lingerie, and nail polish partly because they know men respond to it more than other colors," says lead author Andrew Elliot, Ph.D.


Lyrics of the Week

"Trouble Is" by The Warren Brothers

The bed is leanin' my way
There's ashes on the floor
You swear there'd been a party
The way I'm sleepin' off the night before

Got a lot more room for breathin'
And I can have too much to drink
Cuss outloud if I want to
There's nobody here to tell me what they think

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is

I don't have to say I'm sorry
When I say somethin' wrong
I don't have to come in early
Hell, I can stay out all night long

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is

Always seems to find me
No matter where I hide
Always there to remind me
How much harder I could have tried

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is


"Runnin' Out of Heroes" by The Warren Brothers

Gotham heard the news today
Batman up and moved away
He said he couldn’t bare to stay
In a lonely cave no more

The Daily Planet pitted Lois Lane
Had to get an order to restrain
Less than Superman who went insane
When she said she needed more
Walked right out the door

I guess I really need
Something I can see, something I can hold
Someone to hold me
I’m sorry if it scares you
That I need to be rescued
But you’re my only hope
Cause I’m runnin’ out of heroes

Always thought that I could be John Wayne
Come sunset I’d sweep you away
But I don’t feel much like him today
I can’t fake it anymore
The way I did before

I guess I really need
Something I can see, something I can hold
Someone to hold me
I guess I’m trying to say
You’re the only way
You’re the only one
Who could come and save the day
I’m sorry if it scares you
That I need to be rescued
But you’re my only hope
Cause I’m runnin’ out of heroes

Runnin’ out of heroes


"Hiding Behind A Smile" by Matt Wertz

I don't know what I should do now
Cause I've exhausted all I know how
Still all of my efforts, they fail me
Leaving me broken and empty

I can't go on
Half living this life on my own

Cause I'm hiding behind this smile
And I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I'm hiding behind this smile

There must be someplace warmer than here
Cause my teeth chatter, and I live in fear
But every attempt I attempt just impails me
Leaving me broken and empty

I can't go on
Half living this life on my own

Cause I'm hiding behind this smile
And I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I keep hiding behind this smile

Cause I know I'm not okay, yeah
I know I'm not alright, yeah
I'm hiding behind this smile
Now I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I keep hiding behind this smile

You see there is this place so empty inside me
and I'm hiding behind this smile
Hiding behind this smile


"Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I couldn't see the light
I didn't know day from night
I had no reason to care
But since you came along
I can face the dawn
Cause I know you'll be there

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I'll never worry
If it's raining outside
Cause in here with you girl
The sun always shines

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day, yeah

A good morning beautiful… day

Good morning beautiful
It’s a beautiful day
Good morning beautiful
Good morning
Good morning beautiful
What a beautiful day
Good morning beautiful


"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl. . . pretty girl. . .

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he's in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love


"I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
I miss my friend


"So Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face.
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again, I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend,
they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me
from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losing,
if your answer wasn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..


"In These Arms" by Bon Jovi

You want commitment
Take a look into these eyes
They burn with a fire,
Just for you now
Until the end of time
I would do anything
I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd die
To have you in these arms tonight
Baby I want you like the roses
Want the rain
You know I need you
Like a poet needs the pain
I would give anything
My blood my love my life

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight

We stared at the sun
And we made a promise
A promise this world would never blind us
These are my words
Our words were our songs
Our songs are our prayers
These prayers keep me strong
It's what I believe
If you were in these arms tonight

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight

Your clothes are still scattered
All over our room
This old place still smells like
Your cheap perfume
Everything here reminds me of you
And there's nothing that I
Wouldn't do to be in your arms

And these were our words
They keep me strong
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight