hate to say i told you so..

this post is being co-brought to you by me getting lost in Target tonight and Red Hot Chili Pepper lyrics..

according to a statistic i just made up, girls who can dance are 3 million times hotter than girls who can't.. an average-looking (5 on the standard 1-10 scale) can become a 7-8 (depending on whether she's sticking with her girls or looking for a guys crotch to grind on).. a girl who's originally an 8 can become my future wife and mother of my children if she dances hot enough and knows at least half the alphabet.. i can't explain it and i don't feel that i have to.. i can't begin to count the times i've said "is she fucking serious with that?" to friends/roommates while watching a girl dance all hot.. i can't look away.. if you're fat, you're welcome to come stand on the dance floor but only because that makes things more cramped and gives the attractive people an excuse to get closer.. but don't dance, we don't want to spill our drinks.. just kidding, you can dance.. with the guy with the cowboy boots, sleeveless shirt and Dale Earnhardt hat on..

i miss the summer a lot.. and not just Christmas is over and it's snowed more in Minnesota this winter than the last 15 combined.. on Friday's this past summer, here is what happened more often than not: i'd get home around 6:00, immediately change into my kick ass golfing shorts and go with my roommate Robert to the golf course like 5 blocks away.. we'd pay for 9 holes, a cart, 6 beers and i'd buy a couple balls because i'd anticipate hitting several over the highway, into the lake/woods or on elderly couples' lawns.. one of two things would happen on my first tee shot; i'd either hit my best shot of the day and start drinking to celebrate, or slice it as far out of bounds to the right as humanly possible, lose any amount of potential confidence and start drinking to drown my misery.. either way, things would go downhill.. we'd then get home usually just in time for the 3rd inning of the Twins game and continue the drinking theme with the rest of our roommates.. after the game, we'd go into the backyard and have a fire.. i don't know what it is about fires but they are absolutely addicting.. we could sit out there for hours at a time listening to random old cd's and not get bored.. the only reason anyone would go in is because they'd have to work or have baseball practice the next day.. we didn't even have to go inside to pee, that's what the tree's/middle of the backyard were for..

girls, i'm going to let you in a little secret that isn't a secret at all.. while a guy is sleeping, his penis has a mind of it's own.. the penis never sleeps.. i don't know how many times i've woken up at 5 a.m. needing to pee but he's prepared for some impromptu orgy to be starting any minute.. so, you have two options: one, wait it out, which sucks because all you want to do is pee and go back to sleep.. or two, practically stand on your head and risk peeing all over the bathroom wall.. generally, i choose option one, all while reprimanding him for wasting his energy.. where was this attitude when i was 13 beers deep and making out with that lava-hot chick at the after-bar?? you were nowhere to be found then (fictional story for effect).. but he chooses the middle of a random Thursday night with no female in sight to make an appearance? sometimes i feel like i have to call that number that you're supposed to call if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.. then i realize it's been 45 seconds.. whatever.. the point is, we aren't always on the same page.. sometimes we fight..

recently i've been training for a 10K i'm running in less than 3 weeks by going to restaurants called "The Cheesecake Factory" and ordering pizza from a place chosen "best" by the Chicago Tribune and New York Times.. don't be looking for me in the winners circle..

i'm in the suburbs of Chicago with a couple co-workers and it was one of their birthdays last Saturday, so we went to "The Cheesecake Factory" to celebrate.. it's just a typical restaurant but it has phenomenal food.. anyway, since it was Saturday night, the place was pretty busy and we had a 50-70 minute wait to be seated.. so we went across the street to the Barnes and Noble to waste time.. i bought a Jack Johnson cd and a "Guitar Player" magazine with Brad Paisley on the cover to prepare for my 2017 appearance at the Grammy's.. we go back to the restaurant to get one of those vibrating things that alert you when you can sit down.. so we're waiting, suddenly this racked-out chick is walking towards me with an "i wanna have your babies" look and i'm getting nervous.. apparently the "i wanna have your babies" look is very similar to the "would you like a drink while waiting?" look.. my co-workers decline, because they have a backbone.. "i'll have a Bud Light", i tell her in my manliest voice, all while imagining what her orgasm sounds like.. she brought it to me and i immediately throw it over my shoulder, pick her up and bring her to the coat closet to give her a generous "tip".. well, that's what would have happened in the porn version of my life.. but i did steal the beer glass.. that's almost the same.. (the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" comes to mind where Lloyd says "it's a love memento.. the most beautiful woman in the world.. i drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high..... she actually talked to me man").. i stole the glass as a love memento :)

going in reverse-chronological order, we were at Buffalo Wild Wings the night before that.. i had such a money spot where i was sitting.. the girl right in front of me was wearing blue underwear.. know how i know that? i looked at her ass 90% of the night.. 95% after the guy with large muscles who sat beside her had left.. couldn't tell you if her face was cute at all.. wanna know the best part about the story? i was with my two guy co-workers and also a girl from Massachusetts who was here as well and we knew from last year.. so i'm all talking trash about "i wonder if she wants to have sex with me later tonight?" or "i wonder if she has our babies names picked out?" and telling the girl we're with to ask if she likes me, as a joke.. suddenly, the girl we're with gets up from her chair and i immediately sprint towards the bathroom to avoid being embarrassed.. too late.. luckily nobody saw me but there was a rug right before you turn left into the bathroom area.. when i got to the rug, i slammed on the breaks but my feet kept going.. luckily, my cell phone broke my fall.. i come back to the table after i pee and ask if they had saw that.. no one had.. i asked if she talked to the girl with the nice caboose.. she had, but it wasn't about me.. she just asked about good bars around here.. whatever, i need a lesson in talking to girls..

sometimes babies on airplanes can be hell.. if they won't stop crying or yelling, it gets very frustrating and annoying.. however, if they look at you and smile when you smile at them, it's super cute! i have five pictures in my cell phone: one is a picture my sister took of herself so she could have a picture ID when she calls, one is of me and my roommates someone took when we were drunk, one is Wrigley Field, one is the aforementioned "girl with the cute caboose from BWW's" (who is still my cell phone wallpaper), and one is this super cute baby girl that was on the plane from Boston to Minneapolis with me last year.. even as we were waiting to take off, she was looking at me, and of course i smiled at her every time she did.. and she would smile.. it was adorable.. eventually her parents realized that their infant daughter was flirting with me and they smiled at me too.. i don't think parents ever get sick of being told how cute their babies are..

if you need two guys to do a duet of N'Sync's "This I Promise You", give my roommate Josh and i two hours to warm up our golden pipes and down a few beers.. we'll knock your fucking socks off..

ESPN pisses me off sometimes.. after the Super Bowl last night, they did a list of "greatest Super Bowl moments" and #1 was the catch that Santonio Holmes made to win last nights game.. that's ridiculous.. just because it happened 2 hours ago doesn't mean it's the best.. it shouldn't even be in the top 10.. first of all, the catch David Tyree made for the Giants last year is better.. there are so many legendary plays that have been made in the Super Bowl, to make the touchdown catch that happened 2 hours earlier #1, simply because it happened 2 hours earlier, is ridiculous.. it was a great catch, but not close to some of the great plays in the past..

my ritual at airports is to buy a Playboy.. sometimes its awkward when you're close to home because someone you know might see you or you might recognize the checkout person, etc.. but at the airport, i don't care cause 1) they'll never see you again, so their judgement ends when i reach the terminal.. and 2) they have pictures of naked girls in there and i'm a boy, i'm supposed to like that.. obviously i still do the "pretend i'm looking at sports magazines while looking for the Playboy out of the corner of my eye until the store is empty" trick.. that's the first commandment of Playboy purchasing..

what events would have to happen in someones life that they'd come to the conclusion that they're going to start a band and name it "The Butthole Surfers?" if i started a band, that wouldn't crack my top 15,328,422 choices.. it'd be after "The Dick Polishers" or "The Scrotum Squad" somewhere.. i'm assuming several drugs and a hat full of nouns and verbs were involved.. also, probably a horrible upbringing..

my roommates are trying to convince me to have sex with this trainwreck who'll sleep with anyone.. of course, by now you'll have realized that someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone doesn't appeal to me.. had this text conversation with one roommate today:

him: (girl's) new profile pic is looking good!!
me: is she applying cream to her genital warts?
him: correct. they can be controlled. the hot tub also eliminates any disease.
me: cool, i'll start by licking her vagina then..
him: glad to see you're coming around!
me: what's the limit for amount of condoms i'm allowed to wear? take the amount of dudes she's slept with and divide by five? (that's a good rule to follow, by the way)
him: no glove, just cross your fingers.
me: that's insanity..
him: that's a rush..

i'm starting to realize that more people read this than what i think.. this past week, a girl i graduated with wrote "when in doubt, i read (my) blogs to remind me that guys are, for the most part, good, kind, funny and sweet".. it's awesome to hear stuff like that.. when i started writing this, i thought maybe 5 people would read it on a regular basis.. now i get people coming up to me at bars downtown saying they read my blog and love it.. or people telling me that reading my blog made their day.. it's weird to hear that.. sometimes it's like "you actually know who i am? i haven't spoken to you in years".. it's super cool to know that people look forward to reading them, i try to think of entertaining things to write about, and even if some stories are embarrassing i'll include them because they're true.. my life is entertaining enough to not have to make up stories.. so thanks for reading and for all the compliments on how "sweet" i seem.. i like to agree with that..

here is a list of pointless jobs:

- boxing corner man.. the second i get punched in the face, everything you've ever said to me goes out the window and i'm just trying to stay alive..

- the "wrap it up" orchestra at awards shows.. never once has this worked in less than 30 seconds..

- Door-to-Door salesmen, selling anything.. "you know, i was just eating dinner with my family and thinking about changing my religion, i'm glad you stopped by"..

- cell phone kiosks in malls..

- personal trainers.. unless you're a millionaire, you can't afford $1,000 an hour to have some guy yell at you.. find a workout routine and motivate yourself.. oh, and save a ton of money..

- whoever's job it is to censor or blur out offensive words/images.. jeez, what did he just say after "mother??".. what's behind those blurry circles on that girls chest?

- male cheerleaders..

- math teachers.. i know that 3x3=9, i don't know where the two trains will meet if one is going 55 mph, the other is going 65 mph and there is a 10 mph wind from the north and the barometric pressure is falling.. oh, and x=y(n)2.. great, when the fuck am i ever going to need that? here is an impromptu math question from Playboy that i do get: Question: You are having a threesome, when two extra girls enter, one leaves, three come in, two go and five more jump in unexpectedly. How many people are in your bed? Answer: Who the hell cares?

- whoever put up that "No Target Carts In The Mall" sign.. i see more Target carts in the mall than i see in Target..

- the guy at the door at Best Buy who says "ahh, go ahead" when someone walks out and the alarm goes off..

- sports sideline reporters who ask questions like, "coach, you're down 28 points at halftime and you just lost your leading scorer for the season to a knee injury, how do you feel?"..

- the makers of crotchless panties.. don't worry, we'll find it.. that's half the fun..

- the makers of Luden's cherry "cough drops".. pure candy..

- the makers of ponchos.. they have a life expectancy of 14 seconds.. it was pouring rain on our way up to deer hunting this past year, so my dad and brothers and i all bought ponchos so we could stay dry while setting up camp.. i think i put mine on, started to walk away and my poncho immediately tore in half after getting caught on a tree branch.. "FUCK!!! that's cool", i said.. i guess that's what you get for buying ponchos for 79 cents at a place probably called Leroy's Gas, Bait, Liquor and Taxidermy..


Lyrics of the Week

"For You To Notice" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...

But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you TO need me, for you to notice me

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...


"This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional

This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down
so the placing goes slowly.
The pictures of anything other than it's meant to be
But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
Don't be concerned you know I'll be fine on my own
I never said don't go

But I've hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But what if the pages stay pressed
the chapters unfinished
the stories too dull to unfold
Does he ever get the girl?

This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive
I'll die in here just to be safe
I'll die in here just to be safe
'Cause you're gone
I get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh
I never said Good-bye

But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you’ll read if you're so inclined
does he ever get the girl?

But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
don’t be concerned, you know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said don't go
Does he ever get the girl?


"Hope You're Happy" by Dashboard Confessional

Which of the bold face lies will we use?
I hope that you're happy
You really deserve it
This'll be best for us both in the end

But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And i starve


I starve for you
But this new diets liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude
But it will do

So which of the standard lines will we use?
I've been meaning to call you
I've just been so busy
We'll catch up soon
Lets make it a point to

But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And i starve
I starve for you
But this new diet's liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude
But it will do

It will do
I hope it will do


"Get Up" by Quietdrive

Sometimes it's not that time
For things I cannot hear
For words I cannot feel
The way you want to go
It makes me feel like shit
I'm messed but that's not it
I wonder if she'll care
for me ever again
Waiting for the last time I'm waiting for the right time
To see if she will know the things she doesn't say to me...

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine

Get up its time to die
Just guess and don't ask why
Be late and just don't try, someday we will fly
Higher than the satellites, Into a special paradise
Where up is up and down is down,
And no one is around
I don't want to see you crying
lets leave the dramatics behind

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine

I don't want to see you
This is that last time I can try and make you mine
I'll sit here and wait for it
Could be the last good thing that's perfect in my life
I'll sit here and wait for it
And you'll get what you want
I can't get what I want

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine
(I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna see you)
Make you mine


"15 Days Tomorrow" by Quietdrive

You say "leave me alone",
And later call me on the phone
What was I thinking then?
Why do you not give in?
You tell me all the time
That I need to get in line
What do you want from me?
What part do you not see?
I hear you met someone else
And are no longer by yourself
I guess that’s good for you
No longer will you
Worry
About me

But opportunity
Is knocking at the door
And it’s coming more slowly
Than it ever has before
You’re wasting your time
I’m really all decided
My mind is made up
My head is not divided
I want to have a victory
No complicated history
A simple faded memory
Is all you could become to me
No kind words
No sweet things
No insults
And bad dreams
Anymore

It’s still raining in my head
Though good morning’s poked her head
Leaving the clock upright
Ticking right on the wall
How could it stop a man
Who never could remain
Another wasted time
Another waste
Did you know it
Gone all night

I want to have a victory
No complicated history
A simple faded memory
Is all you could become to me
No kind words
No sweet things
No insults
No bad dreams
Anymore
Anymore


"I Lie Awake" by Quietdrive

Can you hear me screaming?
Coming to find you.
Its not that I want to make it another night alone
This feeling is lonely
Sending me slowly
Hits me so deep it cuts my bone
Fills my heart
Burns me up
for way too long
for way too long
Here's my hand
Pull me up

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us

Can you hear us falling
We're falling faster
Its hard to remember where we were at a year before
I thought we were ready
I thought we were steady
Till the emotion hit the floor
Fills my heart
Burns me up
for way too long
for way too long
Here's my hand
to pull me up

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us
Don't put these words between us

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
And we'll take these words
And we'll put them down
On the floor beneath us
Don't put these words between us
Don't put these words between us


"Song For Her" by The Starting Line

Before I say too much
Please just know that I'm not obsessed
Or so nearly depressed, or anything like that
Please hear what I have to say
Cause I don't feel this way everyday
As a matter of fact
I've never had this feeling before
And I'd like to feel it more
So can I stare as you ascend the stairs
Now are you aware
That I fell into your eyes
At first sight

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go

And I know it sounds absurd
And I know we've never spoke a word
And I know this must sound strange to you
But I just can't stop thinking of you

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go

If you have a boyfriend
Then disregard everything
If you don't have a boyfriend
Then I meant every word I said
Every word I said...

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

And there's one more thing
That I have to sing to you:
What's your name?


"Go On" by Jack Johnson

In my rear view
I watch you watching the twilight
Behind the telephone lines
Nothing to prove, or to assume
Just thinking if your thoughts are different than mine
In my rear view
I watch you
I gave you your life, would you give me mine?

I see you slowly swim away
Cause the light is leaving town
To a place that I can't be
There's no apologies

Just go on
Just go on
There's still so many things
I wanna to say to you
But go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood that's moving
From the moment that we started
From the moment that we started

I see perfect little lives
Watch the shadows of the clouds
And the surface of the ocean out the window of a plane
I get nervous when I fly
I'm used to walking with my feet
Turbulence is like a sigh that I can't help but over think

What is the purpose of my life
If it doesn't ever do
With learning to let it go
Live vicariously through you
You could do the same
It's the least you can do
Cause it's a lonely little chain
If you don't add to it

So go on
Just go on
There's so many things
I wanna say to you
Go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood and love
From the moment that we started
Just go on
Just go on
There's still so many things
I wanna say to you
Just go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood that's moving
From the moment that we started
From the moment that we started


"For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger

Alright (Yeah)

Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
But nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
But tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you ...

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a moon, I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do

To get through to you yeah

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you I will, for you I will


"Did I Ever Tell You" by Nick Lachey

Did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you?
I don’t want to leave you with the shadow of a doubt
Did I ever give you the strength you’ve given me?
And how can I begin to make each moment mean the most so you will see
I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes life just seems to get in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

And did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you
I don’t want to change you cause I proud of who you are
And should you ever question the pain we are going through
What I need to mention is that life just isn’t living without you
You know that I want you more than anything
Sometimes I just forget to say what I mean

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes its crazy life just gets in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you
Did I ever tell you I love you that way?


"Miss Me Baby" by Chris Cagle

Miss me baby
When you hear our favorite song
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In the light to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby

And want me honey
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore, left the keys in the door
Took my hand, pulled me down on the kitchen floor
Yeah, we were that crazy
Miss me baby

Because when he's holding you
Know that it's killing me
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And every time you feel his touch
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl you can't shake me
'Cause I love you, yes I need you
Miss me baby

Miss me baby
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home, I'll be waiting, right here waiting
Miss me baby

And every time you feel his touch
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl you can't shake me
'Cause I love you, yes I need you
Miss me baby

Every time you hear this song
Miss me baby