counting to 100..

this post is being co-brought to you by being so excited to eat something hot that you burn the roof of your mouth and spend the next three days licking dead skin off it and the real names of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior being Terry and Jim, respectively..

there is a semi-decent possibility of me getting a lead position at my job, which consequently could lead to fewer blogs.. don't hold your breath, but i apologize in advance if it happens..

you know you're getting old when you're invited to play cards and say "actually, i think we're going bowling tonight".. next up, shuffleboard and "Wheel of Fortune" nights..

i never cease to be amazed by the number of chances some people give others to decide if they want to be together.. i know you can't help who you like but if you've given someone 3 or 4 chances to make up their mind, maybe it's time to let them go.. it happens so often and i find it comical every time.. say you're actually successful and they decide they "want to be with you".. would you ever be able to trust that's the case? or maybe they "want to be with you" until someone better comes along, and they're using you until then.. some people just aren't wired to be with one person.. figure it out, the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to something and someone you know is real..

every time i go to the gym in the morning, i feel so awesome afterwards.. the problem is, i rarely make it out of my bed.. it's so hard, especially in the winter.. my alarm will go off, i'll throw the covers back and be hit immediately by what feels like 7 degrees, say "fuck that" and go back to sleep.. one of these days i'll find the motivation to get up every day and go, apparently self-motivation isn't enough.. the group of grandmothers that are there weekday mornings don't help matters either..

girls, if you walk away from a guy, he looks at your butt.. you could be naked, wearing underwear or wearing snowpants, it doesn't matter.. keep this in mind..

one of the more entertaining parts of drinking for me is going through my phone the next day to see who and what i texted.. for one, texting with my new phone while drunk is pretty much impossible.. you need infant fingers to hit the correct letter.. "wow, that's an interesting way to spell 'drinking in the hot tub'".. i think i've agreed to trips to Vegas and to father children recently, too.. neither will happen soon, God willing..

reading a magazine last night (maybe Cosmo, maybe not), i came across a story where a woman was attacked while she was hiking, and her attacker demanded the PIN numbers to her bank accounts.. when she didn't give them to him, he raped her and then beat her to death.. needless to say, i sent an e-mail first thing this morning to my sister who runs outside a lot, and told her she should either get a whistle or pepper spray to bring with her.. there's a small chance of anything happening but it does happen and those things can be life savers.. i know other runners read this and probably know the risks of running outside, especially alone or near dark.. just some ideas to help keep you safe..

know what else Cosmo taught me? if i'm having my period but don't have any tampons handy, i can wrap several sheets of toilet paper around my panties until i find suitable protection.. but i should never put toilet paper in my vagina cause it can easily flake off inside me and cause an infection.. also, you can tell what kind of boyfriend or lover a guy will be by the way he sleeps.. and research shows women don't like when their husbands/boyfriends have sex with other women..

i don't remember how old i was but when i was little, i wanted to join the local hockey team.. i convinced my mom to bring me into town to where the sign-up was and check it out.. turns out hockey is much more expensive than other sports.. we found out it cost roughly $3 million for everything (entry fee, pads, a stick, skates, life insurance, dentures).. even at this point, i was convinced she'd let me.. we got back into the car and she said "honey, i'm sorry but i can't afford that".. me being the terrible son that i am, yelled at her the entire way home, convince that other mom's loved their sons more.. looking back at it now it's ridiculous because there's no way i would have played hockey rather than basketball, since those skills led me to a successful back-up guard role on our team.. dammit, i could have been Wayne Gretzky, only American and, you know, not as bad..

Ran a 6K on Saturday wearing The World's Thinnest Gloves by Frostbite.. not an enjoyable experience..

Saturday night, i watched the movie "The Strangers" for the first time with a roommate and his girlfriend.. before the movie started, i carefully debated where i would sit so they "couldn't get me".. the love seat thing we have wasn't an option because they had the entire kitchen, plus they could come up the stairs.. Roommate and Gal were on the big couch because that's the safest place and they only worry about themselves.. my last option was the couch by the window.. if you've seen "The Strangers", you know window seats aren't the most desirable place to have.. anyway, i bravely stacked the top of the couch with pillows to block the window (everyone knows people wearing masks can't survive pillows) and brought my body pillow out from my room, which i clutched like a lumberjack.. Roommate had seen the movie twice before so he declared he would be watching me the entire movie.. before we started, i sent this text to my sister:

me: "watching 'The Strangers' for the first time"..
her: "you won't sleep tonight"..

then, when it was over:

her: "did you like it?"..
me: "fuck that shit"..


i like when people who don't know a thing about sports try talking to me about sports.. "the Vikings really need to get a running back this off-season".. "oh.. ever hear of Adrian Peterson? he's pretty good, if you like strong, fast running backs"..

this is from a couple years ago but it proves how naive i am when it comes to girls.. i'll leave out names because the people who know the situation know who i'm talking about.. we had a party at our house for the birthday of an ex-roommate.. he and i dressed seductively that night, wearing button-up shirts and ties, and i was rocking my famous "cab driver" hat.. one of my current roommates had a different girlfriend at the time, she came over and brought one of her friends, whom i'd never met before.. i thought she was kinda cute so when we played "tippy cup", i stood by her.. about halfway through the game or so, she turned to me and said "i like your hat", with a fairly seductive smile.. it was at that point that i knew i'd end up making out with her.. i didn't know i'd do it on camera.. eventually she took my hat, wore it for a while until i asked if i could have it back.. she said something to the effect of "what are you going to give me?".. oh boy.. yet another roommate is manning a video camera to capture all the crazy events of the birthday party, so he suggests making out on camera for 10 seconds.. obviously i agree, and less obviously, she does too.. it was another guys job to count to 10 out loud, which he did rather slowly and i haven't paid to this day.. evidently, round 1 wasn't enough because the camera caught her ambush me again almost immediately, and that's how most of the rest of the night went..

she stayed in my room that night and (seriously) nothing happened.. the next morning, i got an awkward "see ya later" and she left.. i thought that's how it would end because neither of us had each others number and i was fine with that.. not something i usually do but not something i'm above, either.. apparently she had the number of my roommate because almost immediately after she left, he got a text that told him to give me her number and that he should give her mine.. she was cool, so i did.. we ended up going to a movie that night, and she was totally all into me.. i was finally the one who was playing it cool and not rushing stuff, but i got to the point where i really liked her.. we'd hang out a few nights a week and spend the night at each others place.. then, a couple months later, i get a "i need to talk to you" text.. so obviously i think she's pregnant and i start flipping out, even though she was on the pill and i used protection every time.. that doesn't matter in a guys head when you hear "i need to talk to you".. she wanted to wait until the next day to talk but knowing i wouldn't sleep if i didn't know what was going on, i called her.. she gave me the "don't know if i want a relationship" speech, which sucked because i liked her but was better than child support, and she said she still wanted to hang out.. shortly thereafter, she was at our house and we were watching TV in the living room, on separate couches and she was texting almost the entire time.. this was weird to me, so when she said she was going to go home, i was almost glad..

the next day (this is early December), i get home from work and my roommate almost immediately tells me he has to talk to me.. we go into my bedroom and shut the door.. evidently, the person she was texting the night before was him.. and what she was texting was that she was starting to think she had feelings for him.. that sucked a lot for me to hear, especially since she had just told me she "didn't know if she wanted a relationship".. i thanked him for being a good friend (he was single and easily could have went behind my back, i know others who probably would do that).. then i texted her to confront her.. i ended up going to her place and having a big talk which cleared up nothing and also did nothing to move my stomach anywhere below my Adam's apple.. obviously, things between us changed immediately and we talked less and less.. then she apologized and said she didn't mean what she said.. then i bought her Christmas gifts.. then i stood barefoot outside my brothers house on Christmas night talking to her for 45 minutes because she called and that's the only place i got service (thanks Sprint).. then, on her birthday in early February, i gave her the quilt i had my mom start making back in November because i thought things were going well and it's hard to stop making a quilt once you've started.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot when it comes to girls.. eventually we stopped talking completely except for the occasional Facebook thing, and she randomly texted me recently because she missed me and the roommates.. but this goes back to the "giving someone so many chances" thing.. i had been informed that she "didn't want a relationship" and "had feelings for" one of my best friends and roommates, and three weeks later i gave her gifts for Christmas and stood outside barefoot for nearly an hour talking to her on the phone.. looking back it's really dumb, but that's what i do when i like a girl, i guess..


Men's Health tips of the week

Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers

1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."

2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."

3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."

7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

11. "You're my daddy."

12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.

13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"

14. "Show me everything you know."

15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

17. "I'll make your bed spin."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

19. "Spank me now!"

20. "How the hell did you do that?"

21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."

22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"

23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."

24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."


Make Her Fantasies Come True

By: Nicole Beland

Most women aren't very good at asking for what they want, especially in the beginning of a relationship. And by "beginning," I mean anywhere from the first night to the first 2 years. For one thing, we're hopelessly romantic. We imagine that the right guy will instinctively grant us every sexual favor we've ever fantasized about, without our having to say anything. Ridiculous, sure, but a girl can dream.

Also—trust me here—we dread being perceived as high maintenance. We see how put out you guys are by the idea of phoning us once a day or escorting us to a cousin's wedding. So asking for 45 uninterrupted minutes of cunnilingus seems outrageous.

The good news is that we are fantasizing about sex. (Wow—you, too?) And we will get around to requesting our favors just as soon as we feel comfortable and confident enough. If your partner isn't there yet, let me give you an idea of what those favors might be—maybe you can coax them out of her. Speaking on behalf of my gender, I wish you'd . . .

1. Shower before bed.
Seeing you emerge from a steamy bathroom with droplets of water clinging to your biceps makes me want to dry you off with my tongue. That includes all those soft, warm, sensitive places—but only when they're Zestfully clean.

2. Talk dirtier.
Much dirtier. Trot out a variety of nasty words one night, and if I grunt and moan in agreement, kick it up a notch. When I respond with total silence, dial it back down.

3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.
But say that you did this with/to me in a dream. That'll allow me to maintain the illusion that it isn't something you used to do with an ex-hookup, or an idea you picked up from porn. I might not agree to reenact it, but hearing about it will make me feel like your naughty little confidante, which is very hot. Bonus: It'll give me the courage to tell you mine.

7. Read up on sex.
There are books on boinking that are worth the embarrassment of buying them. Like Ian Kerner's She Comes First, for example. It's a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning. Yes, you're an amazing lover already, but Kerner has a Ph.D. for a reason.

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.
Or while we're still in the hallway. I don't know what, if anything, happened between Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson in that elevator, but if Del Toro acted as if having sex with her right then and there was the only reason he was put on this planet, I could understand if she obliged. When a guy lusts after me so urgently that he can't even wait the 90 seconds it takes to get to the bed, it makes me feel like a movie star.

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

11. Treat sex like a buffet.
Take breaks during intercourse to go back for appetizers. Too often, making out, manual stimulation, and breast caressing get cast aside when the more serious stuff starts. But without generous amounts of all three from start to finish, the female orgasm is infinitely harder to achieve.

12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

17. Watch me shave my legs.
Offer to help me shave other places.

18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.


Lyrics of the Week

"Awake" by Dashboard Confessional

Awake, through the years it takes to see you
'Til I almost lose my mind
'Cause I'll never be alright
And I'm sorry you had to see this
But I'm such a mess
And I never could forget

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come


"You Had Me From Hello" by Kenny Chesney

One word, that's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

Inside, I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time I let someone in

But you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

That's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head
You had me from "Hello"
You had me from "Hello"
Girl I've loved you from "Hello"


"There's Something Sexy About The Rain" by Kenny Chesney

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes it rained all night
And everything she did was perfect
And every way we were was right
We loved like there was no tomorrow
Then suddenly tomorrow came
And it was raining at the airport
And kept on raining on the plane

She only loved me for a season
But my heart won't ever be the same
Even now her love's the reason

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes when it's pouring down
I feel her kisses on my skin
I spread my arms and spin around
And let that summer island storm
Hit me like a hurricane
It's like she's right here whispering
There's something sexy about the rain

She followed me back to the city
In a picture in my mind
She's still young and she's still pretty
And even after all this time

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field, in a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why
There's something sexy about the rain

She taught me how and she's still why
There's something sexy about the rain
Something sexy about the rain
Feels like kisses on my skin
In a summer island storm
Something sexy


"Every Once In A While" by Blackhawk

When the moon is bright
On a Saturday night
There's a thousand stars in the sky
On a winding road her memory flows
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

She tries to forget
But she hasn't yet
Not a single day goes by
That feeling again reminds of when
I held her tight, it felt so right

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

And every once in a while
She calls my name out loud
And when she thinks about us
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

Every once in a while


"I Miss You" by Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


"So Contagious" by Acceptance

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


"Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack

I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I don't cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
How will I break the news to you?

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?


"White Lines and Red Lights" by Between The Trees

Late night, driving home together
and at red lights we press our lips together
and we're holding tight now
slow it down now
Let's take our time
let the moment last
until it feels right
holding back
and not getting to carried away
let the music fade

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love
Your love...

We are in each others arms
just like a movie scene
And as we're leaning in
the light decides to turn green
Me and you together
this is getting better
just butterflies won't do
I don't want just red lights
I want more of these nights
baby I love you

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with you!

Me and you is what matters most
It's not the intimacy that brings me
Closer to you...

i saw her standing there..

this post is being co-brought to you by girls basketball players chest-bumping after a lay up and the 2-liter Sunkist bottle with 3 inches of chew spit under our coffee table..

this past Friday, 3 roommates plus myself went to a bar that's just a few blocks away.. we had our annual Alumni basketball tournament for our high school the next day and a few of our teammates joined us as well, along with all the girlfriends of the house.. the pitchers full of beer couldn't keep up with us and the guys were engulfed in a discussion about taxes, W2's and 1099's.. this is a topic i know nothing about, so i initiate a discussion about sex with the girls, a topic i know even less about.. i'm not sure where this conversation ended up because i got "can't remember how we got home" drunk.. i think at one time i explained that guys have a way of viewing a girls sex drive and desire for it as lower as their own, leading to some hesitancy about initiating it.. this theory was quickly debunked, however, as was the "too tired" and "i have a headache" excuses that are stereotypically linked to girls.. when we decided to leave, i started (or continued) talking about the level of attractiveness of our waitress, so one of the girls got my number from her cell phone and wrote it on the back of that worthless receipt that restaurants give you.. i think that's the sole purpose of them, actually.. much to my chagrin, i saw her grab it off the table and crumple it without even looking at it.. ugh, my life story.. to make a long story longer, we got back to our house and continued drinking, although i think i was the only one taking shots.. we reminisced about old high school basketball stories and talked trash about going into the hot tub, which led Mike to go ask his gal who had been sleeping for an hour if she wanted to go in.. she didn't.. the events of this night led me to oversleep my alarm the next morning and politely inform the opposing team that "i'm not sober right now".. half of our team's pores were leaking alcohol, which i think distracted the other team, leading to our victory.. the moral of the story: always drink heavily the night before grueling physical activity..

the Fox weather woman in Chicago is named Amy Freeze.. how cool is it that a girl named Amy Freeze is a meteorologist in the Midwest? you can't make that up, she was destined to do that.. it couldn't have worked out better if she used a fake name..

have you heard about one bride-to-be forcing her bridesmaids to sign a contract saying they wouldn't change their hair or gain any weight? the bride has since claimed it was done in good humor and meant it to be something to laugh about between the girls but who knows these days? and what happens if they fail to meet the stipulations of the contract? they lose their "friendship" with you? here's how i would deal with this situation as a male if my future-wife-to be (we'll call her "that hot girl who's on 'American Idol'", more on her later) informed me she was employing this tactic:

her: "i'm going to make my bridesmaids sign a contract"
me: "i'm breaking up with you"

i'm assuming the first question for males interviewing to be the body painter for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is: "you're gay, right?" no way they let heterosexual males close to naked girls who look like that, and then give them permission to paint on them.. also, i'm moderately attracted to the green M&M on the back cover..

i can't believe Spring Training is already starting.. pitchers and catchers reported yesterday for the Twins, and the rest of the team reports on Friday.. i can't wait to watch #86 strike out #71 in the 8th inning of meaningless games for a month..

i fell in love with Anne Marie Boskovich while watching "American Idol" auditions a few weeks ago.. when she first came in to audition, she had kind of a plain, girl-next-door look to her but you could tell she was super attractive if she played it up a bit.. the judges wouldn't let her sing, they told her to go out and sex herself up.. so she took off some stupid sweater thing she was wearing, did her hair a bit and put a little make up on.. she came back wearing a flowery skirt and a white tank top that made my pants hurt.. plus she loves country music and is from Nashville, one of the cities i most want to visit!! it's like she went on the show to get me to notice her and want to marry her.. i've always liked girls who are really attractive who know they're attractive but don't let other people know they know they're attractive.. get it?.. the greatest ever was last week when all the contestants that were moving onto the next round danced in some montage at the end of the show.. since she seems shy and timid, i wasn't expecting much out of her.. she danced so fucking hot that i forced one of my roommates to come upstairs and rewound it for him.. he wasn't as fired up about it as i was.. he'll feel differently at our wedding, i'm sure..

was told that my review of "Grey's Anatomy" was "perfect" and pretty much summed up this season.. pretty good for one episode, huh?

if i need to know the pronunciation or meaning of a word, i'll call my mom or find her at work (we share the same building).. today, that word was "superfluous".. i had no idea how to say it.. who better to go to than a woman who read 70+ books last year? that's an average of one book every five days.. she's not reading "Berenstein Bears Go To The Doctor" either..

remember Valentine's Day back in kindergarten? you had to make your own mailbox thing and decorate it in hearts and all that crap.. then on V-day, your box would fill up with cards and candy from the rest of the class.. so you'd end up with 30 boxes of those Sweetheart things that said stuff like "I Want U" or "U R Hott" or whatever.. and you'd get a Barbi card from the class fox and get all fired up because she used a heart to dot the 'i' in her name and fall in love with her.. until recess when you find out that three of your friends got the same exact card signed the same exact way.. so you'd unanimously decide she was a whore and go play Nintendo after school..

here's a serious question: are girls supposed to get guys something for Valentine's Day? a couple nights ago, one of my roommates asked the rest of the house "what did you guys get for Valentine's Day?".. they all kinda looked around in a stunned silence.. finally one of them said "you got something for Valentine's Day?".. apparently his gal had bought him four shirts.. really?? i'm with the three guys who didn't get anything, i wouldn't expect it because it's more of a girls holiday.. if you both get each other some big gift it's like Christmas all over again, making Christmas mean less and making you spend a lot more money just two months later.. do something romantic, maybe the guy gets the girl something and call it a holiday.. that's my opinion, i guess..

casual, partial nudity is always appreciated..

for the last two nights, my roommates and i have been watching old WWF wrestling movies.. it's awesome.. as a kid, i was obsessed with wrestling.. i had all the gear, the fake championship belt, the wrestling buddy, the action figures, etc.. my family lived about 4 or 5 miles from town but every few days in the summer, i would bike in to rent wrestling movies, occasionally wiping out going "no-handed".. that is, until my cousins informed me that some movies have naked girls in them and this particular movie place was fairly lackadaisical at enforcing "don't let teenage boys rent unrated movies" rule.. i've been told by my mom that when i was about 2 or 3 years old, i would ask every night "is wessling on?" and get so fired up if it was.. not sure if there was a kid cuter than me in the history of the world.. also, i remember being traumatized by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper being attacked backstage and having his leg put between a folding chair and the "bad guys" stomping on it, "breaking" his leg.. re-watching some of these videos now and it's amazing how i got that into it.. most of the moves don't even come close to looking like they hurt.. punches miss by inches and sometimes feet, not to mention the fact that 250 pound men are "punching" each other in the face and not falling down or bleeding.. but seriously, how can't you become obsessed with a sport that portrays a fat, white man in a blue and yellow suit as Akeem the "African Dream"?? exactly.. you don't see baseball players caring enough about what they do to take steroids and have their heart explode on them at age 40, do you? well, wait a few years to answer that..

if i went to high school with the Jonas Brothers, i would have made fun of them behind their back then when they got famous, i'd have told everyone that i was friends with them in high school.. this goes for all male celebrities that appear douchebaggy..

this is fun.. about a month ago, we had a pregnancy scare in the house.. with no knowledge of anything, four of us were teasing another roommate about him potentially having to move out when his girlfriend gets pregnant, only because we know his birth control method (no condom, pull out, cross fingers).. for everyone reading this under the age of 11, you don't have to (you know) in the girl for her to get pregnant.. you know that spot on a guys boxers when he's really turned on? that has sperm in it, too.. sperm + egg = whoops.. anyway, this roommate says "don't joke about that, she might be pregnant".. now we're paying attention.. "what do you mean she might be pregnant?".. "she's late and has been feeling sick lately".. "oh my god, she's pregnant!! have you picked out names? (sadly, they have?) when are you getting married? can i be the godfather?".. i think we were in such a good mood about it because it wasn't us in that situation.. even if you do everything right, for the next month you're holding your breath when you see her calling.. anyway, we've never rooted against a period so hard in our lives because he was so nonchalant about it.. he said "i really like her.. plus i'm 25, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world".. i guess, but it's at least in the top 5.. babies have to cost at least, like what, $300-$500 a year, right?? she ended up not being pregnant and we avoided having to find a hot, uncrazy chick to take his place in the house.. and for the record, i don't care if she's on the pill or whatever.. if she's willing to let you go in there unprotected, she's probably done that with other guys in the past, meaning you're essentially having with those dudes too.. better hope crossing your fingers prevents that pesky herpes thing..


Men's Health Tips of the Week

23 Ways to Be the Man She Wants

1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.

2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.

3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.

4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.

5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.

6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.

7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.

8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.

9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.

10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.

11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you.

12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.

13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.

14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.

15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.

16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.

17. If you're late, call.

18. Brush your teeth a lot.

19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.

20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for a) sloth, b) passivity, or c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.

21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them.

22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks—closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat—that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.

23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.


41 Ways to Make a Woman Swoon

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

8. Kiss her eyelids.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

27. Worship her breasts.

28. Give her jewelry.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.


Lyrics of the Week

"Do You Remember" by Jack Johnson

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do
It was some time in early September
Though you were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you, I didn't mind

So I was late for class, I locked my bike to yours
It wasn't hard to find, you'd painted flowers on
Guess that I was afraid that if you rolled away
You might not roll back my direction real soon

Well, I was crazy about you then and now
The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by
And you're still mine, we're locked in time
Let's rewind

Do you remember when we first moved in together?
The piano took up the living room
You played me boogie-woogie, I played you love songs
You'd say we're playing house, now you still say we are

We built our getaway up in a tree we found
We felt so far away though we were still in town
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at

Well all these times they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind, we're locked in time
But you're still mine
Do you remember?"


"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)

But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)


"The Sharp Hint of New Tears" by Dashboard Confessional

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight I'll take the long way
In this weather
The wind outside is biting
It has left me feeling tired and exposed
You've been asking me to bleed
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now
Your lack of shame comes naturally
I should not be surprised
I should have seen it sooner

Expect me to apologize
For things that you've done wrong
While you're inciting others
You're owning up to nothing
And I wish that I was gone
Because you're not going anywhere

In this damp air
It’s fighting my defroster
My sighs they ring victorious
And fog this tinted glass
And it’s clouded
And so is my head
The hint of these new tears are sharp
I try to choke them back
But it’s useless
I'm useless against them
They're beating me with ease

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight I'll take the long way

Expect me to apologize
For things that you've done wrong
While you're inciting others
You're owning up to nothing
And I wish that I was gone
Because you're not going anywhere

On the way home
This car hears my confessions
I think tonight ill take the long way


"Slow Down" by The Academy Is...

Close the door and take the stairs
Up or down, Ups and downs
Don't pretend you've never been there
You kiss me like an overdramatic actor
Who's starving for work
With one last shot to make it happen

You won the role, you've played your part
You've been cordially invited
But I'm not impressed
And I'm definitely not excited
Cause the film runs a shallow budget
And the writer's subject script isn't any deeper
So dive right in

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
Don't quit 'til 47.
Then we'll turn it up, and we'll play a little faster.

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a word of it
You never did

She said, 'Alright, alright slow down'
Oh no, oh no we won't
Cause I regret everything that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special
Or that she ever really mattered
Or did she ever really matter?

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
Just don't count on this summer
Don't quit 'til 47
Then we'll turn it up and we'll play a little faster

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a word of it
You never did

I'm not sayin' that I'm not breakin' some hearts tonight, girl
Oh, I'm not sayin' that I'm not breakin' some hearts tonight, girl

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
we will take this time to do many things
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills
we will take this time to do many things

Take back everything you ever said
You never meant a word of it
You never did
Take back everything you said
You never meant a god damn word of it
You never did

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them
I won't buy in


"Even If I Wanted To" by Jason Aldean

I'm on the brink
I can barely think
With all of these thoughts
Running through my head
Wonderin' if I did you wrong
No way, I did you wrong

Every night, I try to justify
All the angry things I said
Oh but I can't take 'em back
No I can't do that
I was wrong, oh but now you're gone

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

All the times I sat and watched you cry
When I should have held you close
Made sure that you know
How much I cared
But I was never there
I was wrong
And now you've moved on

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

Even if I wanted to

I can't hide what I feel inside
And just stop lovin' you
Even if I wanted to
I can't hold on
But lettin' go
Is something I can't do, is something I can't do
Even if I wanted to

Even if I wanted to


"You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
but thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying my best to get along
but that's okay there's nothing left to say but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left,
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So, take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we've got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yea

And you're gonna think of me,
Oh someday baby, someday

she talks to angels..

this post is being co-brought to you by Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" and my roommates newly acquired fear of wild turkeys..

first of all, after the drama with Alex Rodriguez the past few days, i'd like to take this opportunity to assure you that my level of goofiness is all-natural and not the result of performance enhancing drugs..

remember the 17-year-old girl from the "crazy game of poker" post on October 20th?? if not, feel free to read it and get the backstory.. anyway, Sunday night, i get a text from a number not in my phone.. this is what ensued:

her: hey! how're you doing?
me: good, who is this?
her: this is (crazy girl). how could you forget me? i haven't forgot you, ya sexy thing!
(i don't respond, wanting no part of this)
her: i might be coming up to St. Cloud this weekend, i think we should go out to a movie or grab a bite to eat! what do you think about that?
(wow.. roommates having a good laugh.. i fear for my safety..)
her: well then i'll just have to pick you up on Saturday. you can be my secret valentine!
(keep in mind, the only thing i said to her was "who is this?".. apparently she's having a conversation with myself in her head).. she was done after that, or so i thought.. at 6:43 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, i get "good morning! :)".. i was so fucking livid at that moment, i immediately went onto verizonwireless.com to see if blocking her number was an option.. sadly it is not.. then again that afternoon, i get a "hey you!" text from her.. how fucking clueless do you have to be to continue texting someone who has only said "who is this?" to you and never responded to anything else? luckily today was "crazy girl"-free but i have no clue what i'm going to do if she keeps doing it.. how much are restraining orders?

did something amazing on Saturday.. i was in Target and left without purchasing anything.. i even made my rounds through the crazy hat section that i've become famous for.. the lowlight of my time there occurred when i was waiting for my mom and sister to finish getting cleaning supplies and i wandered off daydreaming and took a wrong turn into the tampon/pregnancy test aisle.. with an attractive gal browsing the pregnancy test selections.. oh boy.. what are my options at this point? i can't immediately turn around and get out of there cause she'll think either a) the truth, that i'm a moron and wasn't paying attention.. or b) was scammed into buying tampons by my girlfriend and was too embarrassed to do it in front of her.. i can't really stick around for a lengthy time because i'm starting to sweat and hyperventilate.. so, i did what any self-respecting guy would do.. acted like my cell phone was vibrating, dug in my pocket, and walked away acting like i was having a conversation, completely saving my dignity.. thank you, thank you.. then i walked to the shoe section with my sister because she needed shoes for a wedding.. after making fun of her for shopping for wedding shoes at Target (and her giving me 1,284 reasons why that's okay), i helped her look.. her dress is black, so naturally we're looking for black shoes.. i didn't even need her help with that.. being the proud owner of two testicles, i was picking out black shoes that were too "shiny", "clunky", "strappy" and "not the right black".. after suggesting black shoes with a large amount of tan, i'm told to "stop suggesting stuff, you're horrible at this".. that's when i made my way to the goofy hat section, pausing along the way to wonder about my level of need for a pair of lounge pants that would definitely accent my buns, ultimately deciding against it and disappointing all living females..

on Friday, i attempted to get out of my Sprint contract 11 months early without paying the $200 termination fee.. so i go into the Sprint store, where i'm told that i have to call Sprint's customer service line because they don't handle stuff like that in a retail store.. great.. so i go into the parking lot and call customer service.. after hitting 15 buttons to talk to a real human, an obviously foreign gentleman comes on, and i explain my reason for calling.. first i point out to him that i get terrible reception, talking on the phone at my parents house requires going into the front yard, texts sometimes get to the recipient 4 hours after i send it and i had one bar of service at the top of the Sears Tower in one of America's largest cities, to which he argued "service could be blocked by other tall buildings".. Sears Tower was once the tallest building on earth, by the way.. in a great display of irony, my call with him was lost.. he called me back, it was lost again.. he didn't call back, so i called again, this time getting a woman.. i explained that i was just talking to a guy about terminating my Sprint contract without paying the fee, to which she replied "okaaaay, and what do you want me to do about that?".. oh my god.. how are these people hired? if you can't help me, connect me with someone who can help me.. to make a long story longer, i brought up the fact that they raised their administrative fees without alerting their customers which is a breach of contract and they let me leave without paying the fee.. this led to my sister and i being the world's shortest-tenured owners of Blackberry's in history..

E-mail of the Week

me to my brother: "i found out yesterday that i can still shoot a basketball fairly well"
his reply to me: "yeah, i have that same problem"


one of my favorite days of the year is this Saturday.. no, not Valentine's Day.. it's my high school's Alumni basketball tournament, where all the players from previous graduating classes get together and play, and then have several adult beverages at the local watering hole.. this isn't to pick on Valentine's Day, it's just nice to know that instead of being at home by myself this year, i'll be out with my roommates and friends.. Valentine's Day is fine but i'm with those who think that you don't need a day to give gifts or whatever.. i'm sure i'd do the cliche' thing with dinner and flowers or whatever since i'm supposed to.. but i'd also do something a million times cooler on some random Thursday because i liked how unbelievably cute she was trying to get her hair un-sleepified that morning while i watched from the bed..

pancakes make me happy..

was coerced this past Thursday into watching "Grey's Anatomy" for the first time.. here's what you need to know: Red Beard is fucking Dr. Yang; McDreamy is trying to propose to Grey and i'm not sure how long there's been setbacks in that; Grey's sister is hanging out with some guy with a graying beard that looks a lot older than she is but there's no sex involved? Izzie has anemia; Bailey got a promotion and doesn't like working with dying kids (i.e. the one that episode who had Ventricle Septal Defect) and one couple was in the hospital for trying #9 in some magazine and got something stuck in the man's butt.. and that's about it.. you can jump right in and feel like you haven't missed an episode :)

my dream of watching Twins games by the light of our Christmas tree is still alive and well.. what says "America's Pasttime" more than a fake spruce tree (that somehow is dying?) covered in sporadic bulbs and topped by an empty can of Hackstein beer that i shotgunned?? exactly, nothing..

Text of the Week

me to roommate Josh (while in Chicago): "I miss singing N'Sync duets with you"
him to me: "I miss your gray sweatpants"

my favorite is when greedy assbags on "Wheel of Fortune" can easily solve the puzzle but they spin one more time and land on bankrupt.. i like solving the puzzle before anyone on the show and imagining how much money i'd have.. probably enough to make Vanna look young again.. i'm a genius in my living room.. (by the way, Vanna has the easiest job on the planet.. touch the square that lights up and smile.. whatever)..

in our house, sentences that would be considered weird anywhere else don't faze us in the least bit.. case in point, yesterday morning while we're getting ready for work, my roommate Robert comes out of his bedroom and tells me "i was just watching 'Little House on the Prairie'".. i respond with "nice, a 17-year-old girl texted me at 6:43 a.m.".. "that's awesome", he says.. no laughing was involved.. this stuff is commonplace here.. it's phenomenal..

Friday night, after the whole cell phone deal was done, my sister and i went to Buffalo Wild Wings.. you can tell where this is going, obviously our waitress was muy caliente.. i seem to find good looking girls there.. anyway, guys are trained to immediately look at the ring finger to see if a girl is available (and by "immediately", i obviously mean "after checking out everything else").. the bad news is that she had a giant rock on hers.. there are certain girls that you can tell are both hot and cool at the same time, and she was one of them.. i couldn't help but simultaneously hope her fiance was a giant douchebag and she'd figure that out over the course of my dinner, taking out her frustrations with him on the zipper of my pants back at her place.. but also hope he actually treated her well.. "i'm better than your fiance" i tell her in my head, while looking into her eyes that were 100 shades of ridiculous, with a caboose to match.. when girls get engaged, they should immediately lose all desire to look good in public.. it's just not fair to other guys who have to see it.. also, i've grown to realize that anytime i'm in public with my sister, people who don't know us assume she's my girlfriend, which i try to avoid by walking as far away from her as possible.. classy, i know..

Cosmo tips of the Week

Cosmo printed a suggestion by FHM magazine, and in their defense they called it dumb.. here's the suggestion: "slide marbles down your condom once it's on to add girth and cause a pleasant sensation for her".. i have more than one issue with this.. for one, i'm not going to make pornstars blush or anything but when i have a condom on, not much else is getting in there.. it's plenty snug already.. secondly, the chance of marbles breaking the condom is roughly 103%.. maybe Junior can snag some of those marbles caught in mom's vagina on the way out in nine months?

also, this sentence also caught my eye: "if men can move on the dance floor, they can probably move from the bed to the bedroom floor".. i'm adding that selfishly because i've been told i'm okay at dancing..


Men's Health tips of the Week

women were asked which part of themselves they'd like most to receive a private compliments about.. here are the results:

Eyes 26%
Butt 25%
Breasts 18%
Legs 10%
Lips 7%
Hair 7%
Skin 7%


The Color of Desire

This explains a lot about Valentine's Day: The color red turns men on. Researchers from the University of Rochester had 149 men look at pictures of women wearing white, gray, blue, green and red shirts. The guys ranked the red-clad women as more sexually attractive. Researchers believe this is a biological response reinforced by society's linking the color with sex and romance. "I think women tend to use red lipstick, lingerie, and nail polish partly because they know men respond to it more than other colors," says lead author Andrew Elliot, Ph.D.


Lyrics of the Week

"Trouble Is" by The Warren Brothers

The bed is leanin' my way
There's ashes on the floor
You swear there'd been a party
The way I'm sleepin' off the night before

Got a lot more room for breathin'
And I can have too much to drink
Cuss outloud if I want to
There's nobody here to tell me what they think

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is

I don't have to say I'm sorry
When I say somethin' wrong
I don't have to come in early
Hell, I can stay out all night long

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is

Always seems to find me
No matter where I hide
Always there to remind me
How much harder I could have tried

The trouble is
I'm still holdin' on
Waitin' here
She's still gone
The trouble is
I made her cry
I let her go
Don't ask me why
When no one's there for me
Trouble is
Trouble is


"Runnin' Out of Heroes" by The Warren Brothers

Gotham heard the news today
Batman up and moved away
He said he couldn’t bare to stay
In a lonely cave no more

The Daily Planet pitted Lois Lane
Had to get an order to restrain
Less than Superman who went insane
When she said she needed more
Walked right out the door

I guess I really need
Something I can see, something I can hold
Someone to hold me
I’m sorry if it scares you
That I need to be rescued
But you’re my only hope
Cause I’m runnin’ out of heroes

Always thought that I could be John Wayne
Come sunset I’d sweep you away
But I don’t feel much like him today
I can’t fake it anymore
The way I did before

I guess I really need
Something I can see, something I can hold
Someone to hold me
I guess I’m trying to say
You’re the only way
You’re the only one
Who could come and save the day
I’m sorry if it scares you
That I need to be rescued
But you’re my only hope
Cause I’m runnin’ out of heroes

Runnin’ out of heroes


"Hiding Behind A Smile" by Matt Wertz

I don't know what I should do now
Cause I've exhausted all I know how
Still all of my efforts, they fail me
Leaving me broken and empty

I can't go on
Half living this life on my own

Cause I'm hiding behind this smile
And I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I'm hiding behind this smile

There must be someplace warmer than here
Cause my teeth chatter, and I live in fear
But every attempt I attempt just impails me
Leaving me broken and empty

I can't go on
Half living this life on my own

Cause I'm hiding behind this smile
And I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I keep hiding behind this smile

Cause I know I'm not okay, yeah
I know I'm not alright, yeah
I'm hiding behind this smile
Now I haven't come out for a while
See, there is this place so empty inside me
I keep hiding behind this smile

You see there is this place so empty inside me
and I'm hiding behind this smile
Hiding behind this smile


"Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I couldn't see the light
I didn't know day from night
I had no reason to care
But since you came along
I can face the dawn
Cause I know you'll be there

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I'll never worry
If it's raining outside
Cause in here with you girl
The sun always shines

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day, yeah

A good morning beautiful… day

Good morning beautiful
It’s a beautiful day
Good morning beautiful
Good morning
Good morning beautiful
What a beautiful day
Good morning beautiful


"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl. . . pretty girl. . .

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get him out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he's in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love


"I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
I miss my friend


"So Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face.
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again, I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend,
they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me
from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losing,
if your answer wasn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..


"In These Arms" by Bon Jovi

You want commitment
Take a look into these eyes
They burn with a fire,
Just for you now
Until the end of time
I would do anything
I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd die
To have you in these arms tonight
Baby I want you like the roses
Want the rain
You know I need you
Like a poet needs the pain
I would give anything
My blood my love my life

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight

We stared at the sun
And we made a promise
A promise this world would never blind us
These are my words
Our words were our songs
Our songs are our prayers
These prayers keep me strong
It's what I believe
If you were in these arms tonight

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight

Your clothes are still scattered
All over our room
This old place still smells like
Your cheap perfume
Everything here reminds me of you
And there's nothing that I
Wouldn't do to be in your arms

And these were our words
They keep me strong
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonight

hate to say i told you so..

this post is being co-brought to you by me getting lost in Target tonight and Red Hot Chili Pepper lyrics..

according to a statistic i just made up, girls who can dance are 3 million times hotter than girls who can't.. an average-looking (5 on the standard 1-10 scale) can become a 7-8 (depending on whether she's sticking with her girls or looking for a guys crotch to grind on).. a girl who's originally an 8 can become my future wife and mother of my children if she dances hot enough and knows at least half the alphabet.. i can't explain it and i don't feel that i have to.. i can't begin to count the times i've said "is she fucking serious with that?" to friends/roommates while watching a girl dance all hot.. i can't look away.. if you're fat, you're welcome to come stand on the dance floor but only because that makes things more cramped and gives the attractive people an excuse to get closer.. but don't dance, we don't want to spill our drinks.. just kidding, you can dance.. with the guy with the cowboy boots, sleeveless shirt and Dale Earnhardt hat on..

i miss the summer a lot.. and not just Christmas is over and it's snowed more in Minnesota this winter than the last 15 combined.. on Friday's this past summer, here is what happened more often than not: i'd get home around 6:00, immediately change into my kick ass golfing shorts and go with my roommate Robert to the golf course like 5 blocks away.. we'd pay for 9 holes, a cart, 6 beers and i'd buy a couple balls because i'd anticipate hitting several over the highway, into the lake/woods or on elderly couples' lawns.. one of two things would happen on my first tee shot; i'd either hit my best shot of the day and start drinking to celebrate, or slice it as far out of bounds to the right as humanly possible, lose any amount of potential confidence and start drinking to drown my misery.. either way, things would go downhill.. we'd then get home usually just in time for the 3rd inning of the Twins game and continue the drinking theme with the rest of our roommates.. after the game, we'd go into the backyard and have a fire.. i don't know what it is about fires but they are absolutely addicting.. we could sit out there for hours at a time listening to random old cd's and not get bored.. the only reason anyone would go in is because they'd have to work or have baseball practice the next day.. we didn't even have to go inside to pee, that's what the tree's/middle of the backyard were for..

girls, i'm going to let you in a little secret that isn't a secret at all.. while a guy is sleeping, his penis has a mind of it's own.. the penis never sleeps.. i don't know how many times i've woken up at 5 a.m. needing to pee but he's prepared for some impromptu orgy to be starting any minute.. so, you have two options: one, wait it out, which sucks because all you want to do is pee and go back to sleep.. or two, practically stand on your head and risk peeing all over the bathroom wall.. generally, i choose option one, all while reprimanding him for wasting his energy.. where was this attitude when i was 13 beers deep and making out with that lava-hot chick at the after-bar?? you were nowhere to be found then (fictional story for effect).. but he chooses the middle of a random Thursday night with no female in sight to make an appearance? sometimes i feel like i have to call that number that you're supposed to call if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.. then i realize it's been 45 seconds.. whatever.. the point is, we aren't always on the same page.. sometimes we fight..

recently i've been training for a 10K i'm running in less than 3 weeks by going to restaurants called "The Cheesecake Factory" and ordering pizza from a place chosen "best" by the Chicago Tribune and New York Times.. don't be looking for me in the winners circle..

i'm in the suburbs of Chicago with a couple co-workers and it was one of their birthdays last Saturday, so we went to "The Cheesecake Factory" to celebrate.. it's just a typical restaurant but it has phenomenal food.. anyway, since it was Saturday night, the place was pretty busy and we had a 50-70 minute wait to be seated.. so we went across the street to the Barnes and Noble to waste time.. i bought a Jack Johnson cd and a "Guitar Player" magazine with Brad Paisley on the cover to prepare for my 2017 appearance at the Grammy's.. we go back to the restaurant to get one of those vibrating things that alert you when you can sit down.. so we're waiting, suddenly this racked-out chick is walking towards me with an "i wanna have your babies" look and i'm getting nervous.. apparently the "i wanna have your babies" look is very similar to the "would you like a drink while waiting?" look.. my co-workers decline, because they have a backbone.. "i'll have a Bud Light", i tell her in my manliest voice, all while imagining what her orgasm sounds like.. she brought it to me and i immediately throw it over my shoulder, pick her up and bring her to the coat closet to give her a generous "tip".. well, that's what would have happened in the porn version of my life.. but i did steal the beer glass.. that's almost the same.. (the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" comes to mind where Lloyd says "it's a love memento.. the most beautiful woman in the world.. i drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high..... she actually talked to me man").. i stole the glass as a love memento :)

going in reverse-chronological order, we were at Buffalo Wild Wings the night before that.. i had such a money spot where i was sitting.. the girl right in front of me was wearing blue underwear.. know how i know that? i looked at her ass 90% of the night.. 95% after the guy with large muscles who sat beside her had left.. couldn't tell you if her face was cute at all.. wanna know the best part about the story? i was with my two guy co-workers and also a girl from Massachusetts who was here as well and we knew from last year.. so i'm all talking trash about "i wonder if she wants to have sex with me later tonight?" or "i wonder if she has our babies names picked out?" and telling the girl we're with to ask if she likes me, as a joke.. suddenly, the girl we're with gets up from her chair and i immediately sprint towards the bathroom to avoid being embarrassed.. too late.. luckily nobody saw me but there was a rug right before you turn left into the bathroom area.. when i got to the rug, i slammed on the breaks but my feet kept going.. luckily, my cell phone broke my fall.. i come back to the table after i pee and ask if they had saw that.. no one had.. i asked if she talked to the girl with the nice caboose.. she had, but it wasn't about me.. she just asked about good bars around here.. whatever, i need a lesson in talking to girls..

sometimes babies on airplanes can be hell.. if they won't stop crying or yelling, it gets very frustrating and annoying.. however, if they look at you and smile when you smile at them, it's super cute! i have five pictures in my cell phone: one is a picture my sister took of herself so she could have a picture ID when she calls, one is of me and my roommates someone took when we were drunk, one is Wrigley Field, one is the aforementioned "girl with the cute caboose from BWW's" (who is still my cell phone wallpaper), and one is this super cute baby girl that was on the plane from Boston to Minneapolis with me last year.. even as we were waiting to take off, she was looking at me, and of course i smiled at her every time she did.. and she would smile.. it was adorable.. eventually her parents realized that their infant daughter was flirting with me and they smiled at me too.. i don't think parents ever get sick of being told how cute their babies are..

if you need two guys to do a duet of N'Sync's "This I Promise You", give my roommate Josh and i two hours to warm up our golden pipes and down a few beers.. we'll knock your fucking socks off..

ESPN pisses me off sometimes.. after the Super Bowl last night, they did a list of "greatest Super Bowl moments" and #1 was the catch that Santonio Holmes made to win last nights game.. that's ridiculous.. just because it happened 2 hours ago doesn't mean it's the best.. it shouldn't even be in the top 10.. first of all, the catch David Tyree made for the Giants last year is better.. there are so many legendary plays that have been made in the Super Bowl, to make the touchdown catch that happened 2 hours earlier #1, simply because it happened 2 hours earlier, is ridiculous.. it was a great catch, but not close to some of the great plays in the past..

my ritual at airports is to buy a Playboy.. sometimes its awkward when you're close to home because someone you know might see you or you might recognize the checkout person, etc.. but at the airport, i don't care cause 1) they'll never see you again, so their judgement ends when i reach the terminal.. and 2) they have pictures of naked girls in there and i'm a boy, i'm supposed to like that.. obviously i still do the "pretend i'm looking at sports magazines while looking for the Playboy out of the corner of my eye until the store is empty" trick.. that's the first commandment of Playboy purchasing..

what events would have to happen in someones life that they'd come to the conclusion that they're going to start a band and name it "The Butthole Surfers?" if i started a band, that wouldn't crack my top 15,328,422 choices.. it'd be after "The Dick Polishers" or "The Scrotum Squad" somewhere.. i'm assuming several drugs and a hat full of nouns and verbs were involved.. also, probably a horrible upbringing..

my roommates are trying to convince me to have sex with this trainwreck who'll sleep with anyone.. of course, by now you'll have realized that someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone doesn't appeal to me.. had this text conversation with one roommate today:

him: (girl's) new profile pic is looking good!!
me: is she applying cream to her genital warts?
him: correct. they can be controlled. the hot tub also eliminates any disease.
me: cool, i'll start by licking her vagina then..
him: glad to see you're coming around!
me: what's the limit for amount of condoms i'm allowed to wear? take the amount of dudes she's slept with and divide by five? (that's a good rule to follow, by the way)
him: no glove, just cross your fingers.
me: that's insanity..
him: that's a rush..

i'm starting to realize that more people read this than what i think.. this past week, a girl i graduated with wrote "when in doubt, i read (my) blogs to remind me that guys are, for the most part, good, kind, funny and sweet".. it's awesome to hear stuff like that.. when i started writing this, i thought maybe 5 people would read it on a regular basis.. now i get people coming up to me at bars downtown saying they read my blog and love it.. or people telling me that reading my blog made their day.. it's weird to hear that.. sometimes it's like "you actually know who i am? i haven't spoken to you in years".. it's super cool to know that people look forward to reading them, i try to think of entertaining things to write about, and even if some stories are embarrassing i'll include them because they're true.. my life is entertaining enough to not have to make up stories.. so thanks for reading and for all the compliments on how "sweet" i seem.. i like to agree with that..

here is a list of pointless jobs:

- boxing corner man.. the second i get punched in the face, everything you've ever said to me goes out the window and i'm just trying to stay alive..

- the "wrap it up" orchestra at awards shows.. never once has this worked in less than 30 seconds..

- Door-to-Door salesmen, selling anything.. "you know, i was just eating dinner with my family and thinking about changing my religion, i'm glad you stopped by"..

- cell phone kiosks in malls..

- personal trainers.. unless you're a millionaire, you can't afford $1,000 an hour to have some guy yell at you.. find a workout routine and motivate yourself.. oh, and save a ton of money..

- whoever's job it is to censor or blur out offensive words/images.. jeez, what did he just say after "mother??".. what's behind those blurry circles on that girls chest?

- male cheerleaders..

- math teachers.. i know that 3x3=9, i don't know where the two trains will meet if one is going 55 mph, the other is going 65 mph and there is a 10 mph wind from the north and the barometric pressure is falling.. oh, and x=y(n)2.. great, when the fuck am i ever going to need that? here is an impromptu math question from Playboy that i do get: Question: You are having a threesome, when two extra girls enter, one leaves, three come in, two go and five more jump in unexpectedly. How many people are in your bed? Answer: Who the hell cares?

- whoever put up that "No Target Carts In The Mall" sign.. i see more Target carts in the mall than i see in Target..

- the guy at the door at Best Buy who says "ahh, go ahead" when someone walks out and the alarm goes off..

- sports sideline reporters who ask questions like, "coach, you're down 28 points at halftime and you just lost your leading scorer for the season to a knee injury, how do you feel?"..

- the makers of crotchless panties.. don't worry, we'll find it.. that's half the fun..

- the makers of Luden's cherry "cough drops".. pure candy..

- the makers of ponchos.. they have a life expectancy of 14 seconds.. it was pouring rain on our way up to deer hunting this past year, so my dad and brothers and i all bought ponchos so we could stay dry while setting up camp.. i think i put mine on, started to walk away and my poncho immediately tore in half after getting caught on a tree branch.. "FUCK!!! that's cool", i said.. i guess that's what you get for buying ponchos for 79 cents at a place probably called Leroy's Gas, Bait, Liquor and Taxidermy..


Lyrics of the Week

"For You To Notice" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...

But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you TO need me, for you to notice me

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...


"This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional

This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down
so the placing goes slowly.
The pictures of anything other than it's meant to be
But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
Don't be concerned you know I'll be fine on my own
I never said don't go

But I've hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But what if the pages stay pressed
the chapters unfinished
the stories too dull to unfold
Does he ever get the girl?

This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive
I'll die in here just to be safe
I'll die in here just to be safe
'Cause you're gone
I get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh
I never said Good-bye

But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you’ll read if you're so inclined
does he ever get the girl?

But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
don’t be concerned, you know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said don't go
Does he ever get the girl?


"Hope You're Happy" by Dashboard Confessional

Which of the bold face lies will we use?
I hope that you're happy
You really deserve it
This'll be best for us both in the end

But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And i starve


I starve for you
But this new diets liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude
But it will do

So which of the standard lines will we use?
I've been meaning to call you
I've just been so busy
We'll catch up soon
Lets make it a point to

But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And i starve
I starve for you
But this new diet's liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude
But it will do

It will do
I hope it will do


"Get Up" by Quietdrive

Sometimes it's not that time
For things I cannot hear
For words I cannot feel
The way you want to go
It makes me feel like shit
I'm messed but that's not it
I wonder if she'll care
for me ever again
Waiting for the last time I'm waiting for the right time
To see if she will know the things she doesn't say to me...

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine

Get up its time to die
Just guess and don't ask why
Be late and just don't try, someday we will fly
Higher than the satellites, Into a special paradise
Where up is up and down is down,
And no one is around
I don't want to see you crying
lets leave the dramatics behind

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine

I don't want to see you
This is that last time I can try and make you mine
I'll sit here and wait for it
Could be the last good thing that's perfect in my life
I'll sit here and wait for it
And you'll get what you want
I can't get what I want

And I feel the way I feel
Because I need you all the time
And I know that the things you know
But that's just not enough to make it mine
and I won't do anything that it might
compromise this time
So I'll just sit and hold my breath
only its not enough to make you mine
(I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna see you)
Make you mine


"15 Days Tomorrow" by Quietdrive

You say "leave me alone",
And later call me on the phone
What was I thinking then?
Why do you not give in?
You tell me all the time
That I need to get in line
What do you want from me?
What part do you not see?
I hear you met someone else
And are no longer by yourself
I guess that’s good for you
No longer will you
Worry
About me

But opportunity
Is knocking at the door
And it’s coming more slowly
Than it ever has before
You’re wasting your time
I’m really all decided
My mind is made up
My head is not divided
I want to have a victory
No complicated history
A simple faded memory
Is all you could become to me
No kind words
No sweet things
No insults
And bad dreams
Anymore

It’s still raining in my head
Though good morning’s poked her head
Leaving the clock upright
Ticking right on the wall
How could it stop a man
Who never could remain
Another wasted time
Another waste
Did you know it
Gone all night

I want to have a victory
No complicated history
A simple faded memory
Is all you could become to me
No kind words
No sweet things
No insults
No bad dreams
Anymore
Anymore


"I Lie Awake" by Quietdrive

Can you hear me screaming?
Coming to find you.
Its not that I want to make it another night alone
This feeling is lonely
Sending me slowly
Hits me so deep it cuts my bone
Fills my heart
Burns me up
for way too long
for way too long
Here's my hand
Pull me up

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us

Can you hear us falling
We're falling faster
Its hard to remember where we were at a year before
I thought we were ready
I thought we were steady
Till the emotion hit the floor
Fills my heart
Burns me up
for way too long
for way too long
Here's my hand
to pull me up

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us
Don't put these words between us

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now
Making sure we put these words between us

I lie awake, because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
And we'll take these words
And we'll put them down
On the floor beneath us
Don't put these words between us
Don't put these words between us


"Song For Her" by The Starting Line

Before I say too much
Please just know that I'm not obsessed
Or so nearly depressed, or anything like that
Please hear what I have to say
Cause I don't feel this way everyday
As a matter of fact
I've never had this feeling before
And I'd like to feel it more
So can I stare as you ascend the stairs
Now are you aware
That I fell into your eyes
At first sight

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go

And I know it sounds absurd
And I know we've never spoke a word
And I know this must sound strange to you
But I just can't stop thinking of you

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go

If you have a boyfriend
Then disregard everything
If you don't have a boyfriend
Then I meant every word I said
Every word I said...

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

And there's one more thing
That I have to sing to you:
What's your name?


"Go On" by Jack Johnson

In my rear view
I watch you watching the twilight
Behind the telephone lines
Nothing to prove, or to assume
Just thinking if your thoughts are different than mine
In my rear view
I watch you
I gave you your life, would you give me mine?

I see you slowly swim away
Cause the light is leaving town
To a place that I can't be
There's no apologies

Just go on
Just go on
There's still so many things
I wanna to say to you
But go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood that's moving
From the moment that we started
From the moment that we started

I see perfect little lives
Watch the shadows of the clouds
And the surface of the ocean out the window of a plane
I get nervous when I fly
I'm used to walking with my feet
Turbulence is like a sigh that I can't help but over think

What is the purpose of my life
If it doesn't ever do
With learning to let it go
Live vicariously through you
You could do the same
It's the least you can do
Cause it's a lonely little chain
If you don't add to it

So go on
Just go on
There's so many things
I wanna say to you
Go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood and love
From the moment that we started
Just go on
Just go on
There's still so many things
I wanna say to you
Just go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood that's moving
From the moment that we started
From the moment that we started


"For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger

Alright (Yeah)

Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
But nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
But tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you ...

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a moon, I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do

To get through to you yeah

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you I will, for you I will


"Did I Ever Tell You" by Nick Lachey

Did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you?
I don’t want to leave you with the shadow of a doubt
Did I ever give you the strength you’ve given me?
And how can I begin to make each moment mean the most so you will see
I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes life just seems to get in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

And did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you
I don’t want to change you cause I proud of who you are
And should you ever question the pain we are going through
What I need to mention is that life just isn’t living without you
You know that I want you more than anything
Sometimes I just forget to say what I mean

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes its crazy life just gets in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you
Did I ever tell you I love you that way?


"Miss Me Baby" by Chris Cagle

Miss me baby
When you hear our favorite song
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In the light to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby

And want me honey
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore, left the keys in the door
Took my hand, pulled me down on the kitchen floor
Yeah, we were that crazy
Miss me baby

Because when he's holding you
Know that it's killing me
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And every time you feel his touch
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl you can't shake me
'Cause I love you, yes I need you
Miss me baby

Miss me baby
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home, I'll be waiting, right here waiting
Miss me baby

And every time you feel his touch
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl you can't shake me
'Cause I love you, yes I need you
Miss me baby

Every time you hear this song
Miss me baby