random smorgasbord of crap...

earlier this week i was at the gym and thought the Twins game started at 7:00, so i turned the channel to the TV in front of my treadmill to FSN and began my cardio around 6:55.. i forgot the Twins were playing in Oakland, CA that night, meaning the game would start at about roughly 2:30 a.m... luckily for me, there was a fishing show called something like "Up North" on and i didn't want to get off the treadmill to change the channel.. besides, i was probably rocking the iPod pretty hard to the Spice Girls at that point.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot.. anyway, the volume to the fishing show was turned off but they had the closed captions on so i didn't miss a second of the fast-paced bass fishing action.. my point is this: there is no other activity in the world that uses such words that could be considered sexual in nature.. i nearly tripped reading some of the words that were said on a fishing show.. some examples: cranks, jerk bait, jiggle sticks, skirts and snapper weight.. also, good ice fishing areas are commonly known as "honey holes".. they also referenced the "thirty second rule", which in fishing means you should get the fish back into the water within 30 seconds or else its chances of survival are slim.. to me, it's about the time it takes to get a girl into my bedroom, have sex with her and then apologize.. if i didn't know any better, these would be words that so called "players" would use on the weekends when they go out with their wingmen.. i mean, we all know you have to lift up the skirt to get to the honey hole and get the thirty second rule started..

also, tonight i came across one of those mixed-martial arts (possibly UFC) fights where basically anything goes besides fish-hooking and eye-gouging.. so essentially it's okay to knee a guy repeatedly in the forehead until he's unconscious but you can't put your finger in his mouth.. makes sense.. these guys are absolutely insane.. how do you possibly have more than one of these matches in your career? i'm guessing none of these guys are particularly bright since this is their chosen profession but if i was them, on my way to the "steel cage" i'd be running through law schools in which to enroll in my head.. give me the WWF any day (i refuse to acknowledge the WWE) with the fake chairs and guys losing championship belts because of things called "sleeper hold" or "figure-four leg-lock".. i don't need to see a guys fibula snap in half and his opponent catch his chin with a right-left combo on his way to the ground, effectively ruining his chances of getting into Harvard.. to make a long story longer: i like my wrestling like i like my breasts... fake...

(writer's note: if ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews happens to read this, those comments about my sub par sex drive and wanting fake breasts are just jokes.. i greatly prefer real breasts and you can probably at least double that thirty second nonsense.... if you wear a snowsuit)...