how to get on "Cops", why cheerleading isn't a sport, and cell phone ringtones..

if you are looking to appear on "Cops", which is one of my lifetime goals, here are some prerequisites:

* you must be addicted to something (i.e. meth, alcohol, heroin, beating up loved ones, etc.)..
* you must live in a trailer, an apartment with more people than bedrooms or a house with at least two cars in the driveway that don't work..
* guys must be dressed in either a wife-beater, a torn shirt that depicts their favorite beer or Nascar driver, or topless..
* chicks must be dressed in an over-sized t-shirt with a cartoon character on it, or topless..
* you must smoke something or have something that can be smoked on your person..
* you must have more kids than teeth..
* if those kids are less than 2 years old, they can only be wearing a diaper..
* if your youngest kid is more than 6 months old, you must be pregnant again with a different guy's baby..
* if you're drunk, you have to resist arrest to the point of getting tazed..
* if you love your significant other, the black eye and blood pouring out of your face was from "falling down the stairs", "running into the door", or your "steel cage match"..
* you have the call the policeman "dude", "man" or "bro" even after he asks you several times not to..
* you only wanted to give that prostitute a ride..
* if more than one female is present, they must have a cat fight involving their purses and call each other "ho" repeatedly..
* the moment the officer puts handcuffs on you, you must ask "what am i being arrested for?"..


something can only be considered a sport if you keep score, not if it's judged by someone else.. however, just because score is being kept doesn't mean it's a sport.. for example, Scrabble: not a sport.. Golf: sport.. Bowling: not a sport.. Swimming: sport.. i love the people who try to say that cheerleading is a sport.. okay, then so is modeling.. 15 girls named Kelly or Amber clapping simultaneously and saying "yay" is not hard enough to be considered a sport, no matter how difficult they make it look.. the fact that there are more injuries per year that require medical attention in cheerleading than in football only further solidifies my point.. football players are athletes, cheerleaders are trying to get noticed for their physical appearances.. i guarantee this chick was a cheerleader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
and she was a hot one at that.. not very good at the words though.. do you train to be a cheerleader? no, you don't.. practice consists of synchronizing your claps and throws.. we appreciate the outfits, but focus less on calling yourself an "athlete" and more on catching Amber before she fractures her 5Th vertebrae..


while i'm ranting, anyone over the age of 30 should not have a rap-themed ring tone for their cell phone.. i heard Flo Rida ft. T-Pain "Low" while i was on break at work today, so i looked over to see who was hip enough to have that rocking their cell phone, and it was a lady who was absolutely in her 40's.. if you're likely to injure yourself dancing to your ring tone, you shouldn't have it.. that's my rule.. worry more about your plan to attack the upcoming menopause or male-pattern baldness..