urinal etiquette, facial hair, nerds and infomercials..

okay boys, since all of us don't know the rules, here is what needs to be done while at a urinal: 1) don't talk to me unless we're in the same circle of friends.. one of my rules is "never talk to a man who's holding his penis".. i believe all men should behave similarly.. 2) keep both hands below your waist.. i don't need the guy next to me with his hands on his hips or one hand leaning against the wall or playing with a yo-yo.. i know it's not hard to aim into a urinal, but just practice for your toilet at home.. it would make me more comfortable.. 3) eyes straight ahead UNLESS at the bar and a very lubed up and racked out female walks in demanding to use the men's restroom.. then you can look at her.. NEVER look at another man.. if he demands you look at him at gunpoint, don't fall for it.. he's just testing you.. if he has claimed to have kidnapped your children, make him describe them, then proceed as you see fit..

writer's note: i'm currently rocking sporadic facial hair that makes me look slightly more white trash than Kevin Federline, or "K-Fed".. it's a nickname i made up.. feel free to use it..

why do people go to professional baseball games and do other things besides watch the game? you're paying a ridiculous amount of money to attend the game, park, drink a beer and destroy a hot dog and you sit in your seat doing a crossword puzzle? really? i've never gone to a baseball game and done anything other than watch the game.. if you want to fill out a crossword puzzle, stay at home and save yourself the $100 (and that's probably low).. what's next? you write out your bills at the ballpark? do your taxes? bring your lap top? whatever.. if i'm paying an insane amount of money to not pay attention, i'll do it at school..

you're officially a nerd if you are out of high school and attend a high school prom.. i don't care if you've been dating since elementary school, she has to go with a friend, probably a female friend.. even if you're a freshman in college and she's a senior in high school, it doesn't matter.. you know why girls don't ever come back for guys? cause they're getting drunk, fucking the college guys and forgetting about their "high school sweetheart".. so let that puppy dog romance go, mix in a frat party and smooth talk the chick who's .20 BAC is affecting her decision-making.. it's what grown-ups do..

staying on the "nerd" topic: how about those stickers on trucks that have Calvin peeing on another truck brands logo? we already know you're a giant douche bag by how loud your truck is, we don't need childish stickers to reinforce the idea.. the same goes for women who drive trucks and have "Real Women Drive Trucks" stickers.. if my (future) girlfriend would tell me she's getting a truck, it would lead to this exchange: her: "i'm getting a truck".. me: "i'm breaking up with you".. her: "and i'm getting one of those 'Real Women Drive Trucks' stickers in my back window".. me: "enjoy your future lesbian relationships and good luck in the WNBA".. women are women for a reason, they don't need to drive trucks or have body hair (or any hair below their eyelids, for that matter).. why not start chewing tobacco and get rid of that pesky "too many teeth" problem while you're at it?..

if i see another late-night infomercial that starts out "Billy Mays here...!!" and tries to sell me knives that can cut through diamonds, giant bean bag chairs you can hibernate on, or vacuums that can suck up bowling balls (finally!!), i will immediately go to the garage and place my marble bag (see: testicles) on the belt sander.. it would be immensely less painful.. i don't care that it's originally $3 million and you're selling it to me for 4 easy payments of $19.99.. i don't care that you're throwing in an extra scrotum shaver with my eyebrow trimmer.. it's 3 a.m., save your energy, you're way too fired up about that fucking mop..