things that should be obvious but obviously aren't...

* attn: bodybuilders: your balls are not proportionate to your body, thus rendering that speedo you're wearing absolutely ridiculous.. please don't kill me..

* attn: fat girls wearing belly shirts: just because your skinny best friend can fit that tank top doesn't mean you can too.. mix in a sweatshirt and/or treadmill.. if you're overweight, that's fine.. just act like it..

* attn: Twins CF Carlos Gomez: fouling off a 2-strike bunt attempt is a strike out.. fouling off a 2-strike pitch while swinging gives you another pitch.. i'm not great at math but this makes perfect sense to me.. we can always trade you for a folding chair and bocce ball set..

* attn: teenage girls: speaking in abbreviations is as cool as your N'Sync poster above your bed (read: not at all).. plus OMG!! it's so annoying.. braid each others hair and figure out that 2ND syllable in "people".. keep the abbrevs to the texting..

* attn: people who think others care about their NCAA March Madness bracket: we don't.. the fact that you're leading your office pool is roughly as significant as Lindsay Lohan having a drug counselor.. my mom has won these pools with this strategy: "which one of these teams wears blue suits?".. i rest my case..

* attn: old people: your blinker works, your toupee doesn't.. act accordingly..

* attn: drunk man at the bar: the hottest girl there didn't like you when you were sober and she likes you significantly less now that you've had 9 Jag Bomb's and called her the wrong name twice..

* attn: fielders who make errors: it wasn't the gloves fault so don't stare at it.. start taking steroids and you'll be fine..

* attn: Hollywood: no amount of makeup can make some people look attractive in HD TV..

* attn: motorcycle owners: two men should never be on the same motorcycle for any reason..

* attn: creepy man: you shouldn't be at the strip club alone, nor with that "level 3 sex offender" look on your face..

* attn: girls who cut my hair: it's okay to rest your boobs on my shoulder.. it's not okay to talk to me while doing so..

* attn: drinkers: everything sounds like a good idea after 7 Vodka Sours.. tomorrow it will be a very bad idea and being arrested for peeing on a bar rarely looks good on a resume..

* attn: adults age 18 or over: it's not okay to invite others over to play video games unless alcohol is involved..

* attn: males over age 29: if you have earrings, you better be a pro athlete or the lead singer of a well known band..

*attn: girls: we're really not looking at Playboy just for the articles.. they put naked ladies in there.. we like naked ladies..

* attn: condom makers: why does the inside have to feel like the driest place in the history of civilization? girls get "lubed" and "ribbed" and we get "cactus dry".. clean it up..

* attn: Paris Hilton: you deserve congratulations for being the only person to be famous only because she's a whore.. i'd hug you but i haven't had my gonorrhea shot..

* attn: nerds: wearing socks with sandals is not acceptable unless you're at a Star Trek convention or major Math Team event..

* attn: coffee industry: coffee makes most people race themselves to the bathroom and has since the beginning of time.. figure it out.. it's nearly impossible to look cool while gripping your butt closed..

* attn: Jerry O'Connell: the fact that the fat kid from "Stand By Me" is now housing a supermodel gives every male hope (albeit false hope) that they can do the same.. i applaud and boo you simultaneously..