i went to a baseball game and a sausage race broke out..

remember when you could go to a professional sporting event and be thoroughly captivated by only the action on the field/court/ice? well that trend has ended and we are now bombarded with scoreboard games, trivia questions, mascot races, "guess the attendance" (which, if you were at a Timberwolves game this past year would have included you and whoever you came with), along with countless other gimmicks, two of which should be banned..

the first is the "kiss cam".. i've noticed this happen most frequently at Twins baseball games where, in between innings, they catch couples off-guard by putting them on the Jumbotron surrounded by a heart with the words "kiss cam" above them.. so now they face the embarrassment of kissing in front of several thousand people or refusing to do so, which results in booing and chants questioning the males sexuality.. they inevitably come across these three situations: 1) an elderly couple who proceed to make out like they are 15 years old and in the back row at the drive-in movie theater.. 2) the young couple who are probably on their first date or even worse, related, and refuse to answer the Jumbotron's request, sinking into their seats.. and 3) the young couple that takes it way too far by simulating oral sex, prompting the camera man to quickly change to the elderly couple who luckily haven't had sex for 25 years.. none of these situations are positive.. public displays of affection are fine but not on cue.. it seems forced and in actuality, that's exactly what it is..

the second is the dude who asks his girlfriend to marry him on the scoreboard.. this reeks of "i think she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me but just to be safe i'm going to ask her in front of thousands of people at this game she didn't want to go to so her guilt makes her say 'yes'".. jeez, even guys who call those late night "date" commercials think that's desperate.. sure, whoever thought of the idea first was very clever but now it's so overdone.. just plan something romantic so she doesn't have to fake her happiness (and if that's the only thing she fakes, you're lucky) until you get in the car and she throws the ring out the window (i've heard rings are hard to return when they're at the bottom of a river).. i've actually seen video clips of a guy who proposed that way and she ran out of the arena, scared to death.. frostbite can't be worse than that.. tough to enjoy the rest of that meaningless Bulls vs. Lakers game in December, huh? at least you have a seat to put your nachos, right? who needs your soul mate? do it right, boys..

all of this talk about how to act in public has led me to this opinion: it should be illegal for girls with huge cans to wear sweatshirts.. and the fine should double after May 1st.. it's like Joe Mauer shaving his sideburns or Jimi Hendrix playing rhythm guitar.. why cover up your best asset? always dance with who brought you, and in this case, do that dancing with a tight t-shirt.. this will be my main platform when i run for president, using the slogan "You Want Cans? Vote For Dan!".. move over, Barack, i think i'm taking over the half of your young demographic that own Y chromosomes.. and i don't worry about that economy stuff because i don't understand it.. who's with me??